TUSK

Tusk. Starring Justin Long, The kid that sees dead people and Johnny Depp Directed by Kevin Smith. If you were wondering why I have taken 3 years off in writing my reviews, the answer is simple. There hasn't been anything worth writing about. I knew it would take something special to get me back in the saddle and after watching TUSK, I can now breathe life into my online reviews once more. Special is an understatement and not a good one. This movie is unique because after the thousands of movies I have seen before it, this one can now lay claim to the worst piece of shit I have ever seen in my life. Imagine a story so revolting yet captivating that you cant help but feel compelled to watch it unfold. One part MISERY by Stephen King and one part HUMAN CENTIPEDE by who ever the hell wrote that, TUSK is brought to us by modern day cult favourite Kevin Smith. The same Smith that has delighted audiences with his CLERKS series and raised eyebrows with DOGMA and even pulled the odd heart string with JERSEY GIRL. Wanting, I assume, to switch things up, he now tries his hand at horror. A bit of horror anyways. I mean horror can have the odd laugh but where TUSK tries for giggles it succeeds only in groans. It's a shame though because about 10 percent of this movie has all of the elements of a modern day classic and if you had read the story and used your own imagination instead of Smith's, then perhaps we would have something here. Without giving away more than the poster, we have a good base but some heinous characters. We have a great bad guy but the worst make-up effects this side of a student film. We have star power but laughable performances. In a nutshell, I think Smith got everything wrong. I don't know is he is getting lazy or maybe had to crank out a movie just to satisfy a looming contract obligation but there is gigantic piece of the pie missing here. Now to bitch about the cast. Justin Long (Jeepers Creepers) and Haley Joel Osment (The Sixth Sense)have made horror/suspense movies that did not suck. So why agree to this nonsense? It gets better haha, they also have Johnny Freaking Depp in this hot mess!! How many terrible Depp movies are there? Not a lot but this one sure doesn't add to his glowing resume. What is he doing here? You know what the sad part is, he is actually great in his role like usual but its a tremendously goofy role that grinds the suspense to a halt. The fault here is Smith's and if I had a time machine I wouldn't go back and save JFK, I would go back roughly one year and hide this script under Kevin Smiths treadmill. To further illustrate my point on how awful this junk was, I will now list some terrible movies that were better than TUSK. ZOMBEAVERS THE EXORCIST 2 THE GODFATHER PT 3 ANYTHING WITH DANE COOK I could go on but I think you get the point. And now a list of some more practical reasons to hate this movie. NO NUDITY UNLIKEABLE CAST AGAIN, NO NUDITY This movie has caused me to re-evaluate why I love the cinema so much but at the same time it sort of inspires me. I mean if this stinky pile can make it to an audience then maybe I too can make movies. I just need a passable premise, the odd big name and a budget of what looked like 10 grand in rubber suits and poutine. Now the hard part and believe me I take no joy in this but I have to urge you to see it. I want someone to commiserate with. I need a support group because I feel so all alone and shamed right now.