Ninja Assassin

Starring Rain (yes thats his name) and Sho Kosugi

I am at a loss for words. This was terrible and its a shame because it could have been great. The action was well done in parts and inventive enough, but then we have to endure some glaringly obvious green screen shots and the odd muddled, all too poorly lit hand to hand sequences. Don't even get me started on the blood letting. The blood was over the top and ridiculously cartoonish in its color and over use. A huge failure when translated to the big screen.
If you had told me 25 years ago when I was watching my first Sho Kosugi ninja movie that he would eventually team up with Warner Brothers to make a mainstream feature, I would have laughed in your face. This man is a legend and is the only strong point in this pointless exercise. I miss Tony Jaa and I especially miss Jackie Chan in his prime. Nothing against the star of this waste but Uma Thurman had better fight scenes in Kill Bill Vol.1 and shes not exactly from any particular clan.
Hell, the American Ninja movies with Michael Dudikoff were better than this garbage.
Here is a list of Sho Kosugi movies that you should seek out rather than going to see this tripe.
Enter The Ninja. Black Eagle (also with Van Damme). Pray For Death (also with his kids). Journey Of Honour. And of course Revenge Of The Ninja to name a few. Any one of these would be a better choice.
Then again, I may be from a different generation and if flashy animated nonsense and massively unrealistic action is your game, then by all means, enjoy.

Rating 1 grain of black sand out of 5


Buy More, Save More - Savings of Up to 20% at NFLShop.com on 11.30.09 only!
Shop Our Holiday Gift Guide

The Year Of The Yao

Starring Yao Ming

When you are 7 and a half feet tall and Chinese, you tend to get noticed everywhere you go. Now consider being just 22 years old and being picked first over all in the NBA draft. Now you REALLY get noticed. Leaving his homeland and setting course for the United States at that young age is what Yao Ming did in 2002 and this film chronicles his first year in the league and his first year in America. Already a huge star and gifted athlete in his homeland, Yao must now make the transition in a foreign land and overcome more obstacles than any of us will face in a lifetime and hes got about 2 and a half weeks to get used to it before the world gets their first peek at what all the fuss is about.
With heavy weight names like Bill Clinton, Adam Sandler, P.Diddy and Shaq all weighing in with their first impressions you start to get a sense of exactly how big this person is and the magnitude of what it means for the two very different countries involved.
Its like starting a new job and having a bunch of co workers watching over your every move, except that in this case its your co workers and 300 million casual fans that are doing the watching. No pressure I'm sure. The fact that Yao Ming still remains so grounded to this day is a testament to his upbringing and demeanor. His humility is astounding and Americans could learn a great deal from his example.
You cheer for him and laugh with him and you are bummed out when he is as well. The ups and downs in this first year for Ming would be enough to make most men walk away from it all deflated and disheartened but Ming takes everything dealt his way and comes out stronger in the end.
Peppered with funny everyday scenarios and the odd serious tone, this documentary delivers a heartfelt account of one mans journey into a brand new world that very few of us could ever fathom. It is uplifting and rewarding to watch. Honestly, I don't say that sort of thing about movies these days.
This one is hard to find but I urge you to seek it out as I'm sure you wont be disappointed.
In particular, check out the extras on the DVD and look for the segment entitled Vitamins And Gin. Here Ming mistakenly drinks the equivalent of 5 or 6 shots of gin after taking his vitamins (he thought it was water). Human reaction in documentaries is often far better than any scripted scene in regular movie fare.
If you live near me, lemme know if you would like to see it and I will let you borrow mine. You may have to special order it otherwise.

Rating (for basketball fans) 4 chicken wings out of 5
Rating (for casual fans) 3 1/2 pizza slices out of 5

Receive 20% off Your Order at NFLShop.com on 11.29.09 only!





Starting Thanksgiving Buy One Get One 30% OFF at the NHL Shop! Offer Ends 11.29.09.

The International (Blu-ray)

Starring Clive Owen and Naomi Watts (sort of)

I am writing this review as a Blu-ray review and believe me when I tell you that these things matter.
Clive Owen works for Interpol along with Naomi Watts and they have been working on a conspiracy involving one of the worlds largest banks and some unsavory activities.
Every time they get a lead, their lead turns up dead or they hit a brick wall. Realizing that working within the confines of the law isn't quite gonna cut it, Owens character decides to do a little work on his own.
I wont divulge too much else of the sometimes convoluted plot but I will delve into the guilty pleasures. I recommend this one as a Blu-ray viewing on a Hi-Def screen because the location shots are simply amazing. From Turkey to New York there is more than enough to visually hold your interest while the story unfolds. Not to be outdone by the stunning cinematography, the set designs are equally noteworthy, in particular is the recreation of the world famous Guggenheim museum in New York. Without really giving away much of the story, there is a fantastic shoot out sequence in the museum that easily ranks up there with Heat and other famous gun fight flicks. Check out the extras for the making of the fake museum, it was really something of an undertaking and it paid off in full.
Another bright spot in the technical department here is the excellent make up effects used. You would actually swear that Owen gets a piece of his ear shot off at one point. Sometimes its the little things like that that can make or break a movie and its credibility. Again, spot on.
Now onto my sly comment on Naomi Watts sort of starring in this movie. There is no love interest, there is no internal feud, there is no chemistry what so ever. She is only in this movie as the pretty blond to sell the film and that's a sort of shame because she is an otherwise great actress.
Other than that and the odd hole in the story that you could drive a truck through, this movie was very satisfying. It is slightly unconventional in wrapping up and to be honest that's a welcome change these days for this type of work.

Rating 3 1/2 bullet wounds out of 5


Friends and Family Sale - Save 20% On Your Entire Order until 11.16.09. Exclusions apply.

The Men Who Stare At Goats

Starring George Clooney, Ewan McGregor and Jeff Bridges

We will start with the rating first out of frustration and disdain for this one.
Not Good.
Now onto the review through a series of flashbacks and lousy editing. Just kidding. Just imagine.
Roped in by a clever preview and intriguing premise, I settled in for what I thought would be a funny and quirky little story. What I got was a whole other movie. The idea here was to shed some light on a little known army faction known as the Jedi soldiers, a unit with super powers and telepathic abilities. With Ewan McGregor in the movie and with him having played a Jedi in the last 3 terrible Star Wars movies, this clever bit was funny the first time it was referenced. After more than ten references to the Jedi team and even the dark side it became less funny and more or less a pandering aggravation.
Clooney offers absolutely nothing new on top of his one note patented sarcasm shtick and I suppose that makes sense given his track record of only making great movies every 5 outings. He is either winning Oscars or making crap like this. Sadly, the crap is piling up. And he has company in the every so often brilliant category with the likes of Jeff Bridges and Kevin Spacey who are both wasted here.
The movie opens by telling us that like so many ridiculous films before it, this one is based on true events. If that's the case, then why not make a quasi documentary with actual soldiers telling their stories or even better, show us some real footage. There is a scene that closes this flick that makes you want to throw your popcorn at the screen. But I dare say that if any real footage were shown, then this movie would have made a lot more money.
Watch the preview on a continuous loop for a few minutes and save yourself the price of admission.

Rating 2 moustaches out of 5



Friends and Family Sale - Save 20% On Your Entire Order until 11.16.09. Exclusions apply.

Cirque Du Freak The Vampire's Assistant

Starring a bunch of paycheck actors that deserve better



When I found out that this movie was based on one of 12 books I groaned at the prospect of another few sequels, let alone 11!! The books are one thing but the translation to the big screen is quite another. Sloppy effects and muddled dialogue made this one a chore to watch. And the tone is questionable here as well. I wouldn't recommend kids under 8 see this and yet older kids might find it boring. The sloppiness was everywhere in front of me, from holes in the story to some of the lousiest wire work in recent years. You know how sometimes when you watch wire work with stunts in movies and you can see the wires? Well here, you could actually hear them!! The zing and zip sounds were audible as all can be.
Now onto the "story". I can see this being a way better read than it was as a movie. It simply took way too long to get where everyone knew it was going. With more foreshadowing than any movie Ive ever seen before, you're left completely devoid of any suspense.
Now onto that casting problem. You wont care one bit for the two male leads in this, and that is a guarantee. Any other cast member that you recognize as a decent actor, like Willem Dafoe, Salma Hayek, and to a lesser extent, Orland Jones are in this movie for a cup of coffee and you kind of feel ripped off by that. The main name we know here is John C Reilly as the lead Vampire and his hair and make up don't exactly help the fact that he has just maybe the largest head in Hollywood. Its blue ribbon pumpkin big. Seriously, they take his head to all sorts of fall festivals and tractor pulls and people gaze at the sight of the 800 lb gourd that is John's head. He subsequently is laughable as the main attraction.
Not knowing how to categorize this movie is the last fault I found here (that I care to drone on about). Is this a comedy? Is this an action movie? Is it a funnier Twilight?. I'm gonna throw up in my mouth a little here but.... Twilight was a better movie. Urpp.

Rating 1 1/2 Vincent Price impressions out of 5

TYSON

Starring Mike Tyson and 1000 leeches



Directed by friend and fearless film maker James Toback, Mike Tyson agreed to this film while completing a recent stint in rehab and worth noting, he did it for free.
That's not to say that there wont be an eventual pay day as the movie has gone on to sell quite well for a documentary, but at the point of its origin, this film was made by a couple of buddies and the genuine return is evident.
Having been a fan since his humble beginnings, there really wasn't much here that I didn't already know. That being said, no one has ever heard Mike Tyson's own personal account of his now legendary career and infamous personal life. With shocking accounts and tearful sentiment, Tyson takes us back to the beginning of it all as an over weight nothing of a kid living in one of the dirtiest and most dangerous ghettos in New York. He watches women get smacked for speaking out of turn. He watches men get killed for a few dollars. He watches helplessly as bullies take his glasses from him and push him around. He cant do anything to stop these scenarios. Or can he?
Mike Tyson is the closest thing to a modern day Frankenstein that society could make. He was indeed shaped, created and made into the man that became Iron Mike. If he had grown up with a silver spoon in his mouth and had lived in the suburbs, we would have never seen the youngest champion ever and Japan would have never made a comic book about him, nor would Moscow have thrown him a parade.
James Toback was so convinced that people especially women would be a hard sell for his film that he set out to basically do some hard selling of his own. He took 35 women and made the following offer, watch the first 10 minutes and I will give you a hundred dollars to walk away after that. Or stay and watch the entire movie, but then you get no money at all. All 35 stayed and left without a penny.
That damn Tyson almost made me cry as he talked about his relationship with his mentor and trainer Cus Damato and as he struggled holding back his own tears, I was sold on the movie myself.
TYSON is a sad story, funny story, shocking story and a very well made film. Brilliantly photographed and peppered with poetry!! I said it, poetry.
Well worth a look. And I'm not just saying that because I'm afraid of him. Well maybe just a little.

Rating 3 1/2 comebacks out of 5