TRUE GRIT

Starring Hailee Steinfeld

I had to give the starring credit to the actual star of this remarkable film unlike every poster and commercial used to publicize the movie.
The story is simple, a young wise cracking girl hires a mean yet effective Marshall to track down the man that killed her father. What follows is a deep and honest character study full of ups and downs with a peppering of humour to keep things moving along.
Jeff Bridges plays the ornery Rooster Cogburn complete with a mush mouthed ode to Slingblade. He is good, really good in the role but the film belongs to the 14 year old played to perfection by Hailee Steinfeld a relative new comer to the movies. Hailee holds her own with the likes of Matt Damon and Josh Brolin as well as with the veteran Bridges and might even have a thing or two to teach them. I don't want to dwell too much on how she impressed me at every turn but I will just say that if she doesn't at least get considered for an Oscar nod then something just ain't right this year.
The movie is simple enough in its mission, introducing the idea of justice and good prevailing despite many obstacles much like the thousands of movies that came before it.The difference this time around is that rather than a lack of character development holding the film back, we are treated to a rich background on many of the players and so you actually gain sympathy for their plight and quietly root them on from your seat.
If you are looking for a new turn on an old classic and if you have read the book or are just a fan of a good old fashioned Western with top notch performances than this is the film for you.

Rating 4 ponies out of 5

Little Fockers

Starring a tired Ben Stiller and some of the greatest actors of all time for some reason.

Lets set the mood right away with this one, in the first few minutes we are treated to Jessica Alba's character shoving a couple of fingers up the backside of a large and cranky patient in order to facilitate an enema. With lines like "relax your anus" you know you're in for a cinematic classic. Perhaps miss Alba can look for whats left of her career while shes up there.
This absurd train wreck is apparently centered around the children this time around but you wouldn't know it from how the movie sputters out of control and focus from the onset. We get boner jokes, vomit sight gags and gross out blood gushing scenes. Real comedy gems indeed.
The fact that Dustin Hoffman and Robert Deniro and even Babs herself are in this wretched pile of pablum is absolutely awesome to me. Did they ALL lose the same bet? This movie is an unfunny travesty from start to finish and on top of all this, its sloppy and inconsistent from technical gaffs to simple misfires.
I don't even know where to begin, maybe with the mismatched wig on a stuntman, maybe with the mind numbing scene in which Gaylord cuts his hand while carving a turkey and blood shoots out all over his family and the ensuing chaos and horror of the situation somehow isn't enough to keep him from answering the phone!?! By all means, answer the phone while bedlam erupts in your home, it could be important.
Little things like that really bother me, but not as much as long open ended and rehashed scenes.
There might as well have been a highlight reel from the first two movies injected into this one with all of the unfunny references to them. We get it, you re watching him and hes watching you. Whats the opposite of laughter? Is it tears? Its this movie. My friend treated me to this movie. I need new friends.

Rating 1 fart joke out of 5

TRON LEGACY

Starring Jeff Bridges and the scripts of Terminator 2, The Matrix, Wall Street 2 and The Fifth Element.

Coughing up an extra 3 bucks to see a 3D movie is a hard pill to swallow considering the movie in question was so completely devoid of any visual thrills and any sort of wow factor that it simply leaves you wondering where your money went.
The plot is absurd but then again I wasn't there for plot, I was there to be awed. Jeff bridges was fine in a dual role and that's where the acting lauding stops. The kid in it was straight from a casting call catalogue and the villains were lame at best.
Was I supposed to care about the story and the idea of creationism and evolution skipping steps? I hope not because it all seemed so trite even a tad bit redundant after the first 15 long long minutes. Philisophical debates aside, this movie is just plain flat and fails to engage the viewer on any level.
Now onto a sort of bright spot, the music. There, the soundtrack was good.
I wish I could tell you more but I have a feeling that some will disagree and that's fine but to be honest, I expected so much more and sort of feel cheated in the end. The 3D to reiterate was a complete waste of technology and it was even partially shot in 2D and before the movie begins there is a disclaimer telling you as such but encourages you to keep your glasses on for the entire film. I took my glasses off to scratch my head after one lame scene and noticed that the 2D portion was brighter and more clear without the glasses!!?? Weak.
I've spent 20 bucks on lamer things in life, but it's a short list.

Rating 1 1/2 discs out of 5



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RED

Starring Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich

Hot off the heels of the success of The Expendables earlier this summer we are now treated to another who's who of a cast blowing up some stuff while sorting out the odd double cross.
Bruce Willis has a crush on a clerk that he has only ever spoken with over the phone and they have a neat and cute little relationship, that is until Willis' character decides that he would like to meet the girl on the other end of the phone. Big mistake. This movie then kicks into high gear as a sort of violent and bullet riddled version of You've Got Mail. Tom Hank's he ain't. Love interests aside, the story soon shifts to Willis having to get the band back together so to speak. The term RED means retired and extremely dangerous. Our hero is being hunted by the very organization that he worked for and because he has been flagged as dangerous, who else to turn to but fellow retiree's.
Old people killing younger people!!! It works. I wont give away too much else as there are a few nice surprises along the way and the performances are hammy yet top notch, especially John Malkovich as he chews up the scenery every time he is in front of the camera.
Call it a guilty pleasure but the cartoon violence and outrageous scenarios are what action movies are all about and the fact that the cast ranged in age from people in their 50's to Morgan Freeman 80!!??!! It just goes to show you that with a good script and a great cast, these old dogs can compete with the young bucks with ease.
Your move Shia.

Rating 3 1/2 retirement homes out of 5

The Town

Starring Daredevil and The Hurt Locker

If there's one thing Ben Affleck knows well, its where he's from. Why does his Massachusetts accent sound phony then? That withstanding, he has written and starred in a well made bank robbery movie with plenty of great shoot outs for the common action fan and somewhat of a love story for the ladies too.
Our antiheroes here grew up with criminal surroundings and were sort of bread for a life of prison, drugs and violence. Childhood friends live a life of crime and wouldn't you know it...one of them is a real dick! We have seen this in countless shoot em up/best friend flicks in the past i.e Juice,Goodfella's, and more recently The Expendables but this time around something fresh comes to life and I never thought I would say this but it was Ben Afflecks acting!!! Along with Jeremy Renner, I found these two wholly credible as the two leads with common goals yet differing paths. Renner makes a fantastic jerk, but the kind you want in a fight alongside you. And Affleck, the voice of reason.
Now without giving away too much I would like to focus a bit on some of these shoot outs that I had mentioned earlier. It's all about the sound quality and camera work. With a decent sound system in a theater a shootout can put you right there in the action and this was one such case. This isn't the kind of movie you watch on your I Pad. Don't even rent this one, just go see it how it was meant to be seen. But Jordan you say...I have an amazing surround sound system at home that cost thousands of dollars!! Good for you, but not even close. Does your home system have a 50 foot screen? I didn't think so. Your 50 inches are adorable.
So in short, I didn't care one lick for the love story and I didn't even really care for the friendships tested in this one but I did enjoy the hell out of it otherwise.
So if those things make a movie for you, then maybe you will like it even more!
On a bonus note look for one of the best movie f.u's in recent memory. I laughed out loud for a couple of minutes afterwards.

Rating 3 1/2 fake accents out of 5

WALL STREET : MONEY NEVER SLEEPS

Starring Michael Douglas and Shia LeBoef

The roll that won Michael Douglas an Academy award a few decades ago is brought back to life in this Oliver Stone sequel and for the life of me I cannot figure out why.
Some of this movie borrows from the headlines of the past few years and the collapse of the financial district and the other parts borrow from High School Musical.
People spread rumours and gossip about the ones they hate, promises are broken and friendships go south. Lives are destroyed and fortunes are made and then ruined.
Shia LeBoef does a reliable job playing a reluctant hero as he has in every single thing he has done before this. We get a tease of Gordon Gekko getting released from prison in the opening credits but then we have to wait more than half an hour before he shows up again as Stone tries to make you care for the younger characters this time around. You don't. Another thing you wont care for courtesy of Mr Stone are his version of hi tech special effects and imagery peppered through out the film. You could have actually made this a 3D movie with all of his smoke and mirror nonsense. Maybe it would have cured my boredom.
I did however spring back to life at one point when a very pleasant and surprising cameo popped up out of the blue. But alas at that point I had already given up and I could not be saved.
All I could think about during this one was the fact that Michael Douglas has stage 4 tongue cancer in real life from a lifetime of drinking and smoking and they sort of glorified that aspect of his lifestyle in the movie. They even used the C word 3 times during the film as it related to peoples behaviour and such. It was kind of tough to watch him chomp on expensive cigars and drink with every meal knowing what we do now. Do you suppose he gives a shit in real life that this sort of portrayal will lead to people wanting to emulate that lifestyle? It probably hasn't even occurred to him.
Oh yeah, Susan Surrandon is also in this one and guess what...she smokes too. Way to go Hollywood.
This movie bored me to the point that I almost left but to be honest with you the popcorn was very good and so I stayed to finish the bag. It was overlong and in my opinion should have been an Oliver Stone documentary on the actual financial meltdown of late. That would be worth watching.

Rating 1 1/2 bail outs out of 5


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DEVIL

Starring Bokeem Woodbine and some others.

This movie right out the gate had a sort of Twilight Zone or even Alfred Hitchcock short story vibe. I like that. We all know the premise by now, several strangers are trapped in an elevator and havoc ensues. One of them may or may not be the Devil himself. I found myself asking why would the Devil waste his time with one or two poor souls while there is so much more that he could be doing at the time. Thankfully as the movie progressed, that became less and less of a concern.
It's hard to say whether or not people are ready to forgive M Night after his recent string of bombs but I actually didn't mind this one. The "twist" in this one wasn't so much a twist as it was a reveal and I thought it pretty clever. Not wanting to spoil much, I will just say to have fun amongst your friends trying to figure out which one of the characters is the baddie. Just when you think you've won...nope.
And now for my own personal twist ending story about seeing this movie. Everyone that knows me knows that I simply cannot stand assholes in the theater that cannot go 90 min without using their glowing cell phones. Sure enough with only 8 of us in the theater I thought I would get away with a clean viewing. So naturally with 10 seconds to go before the movie starts, a couple of people come in and naturally sit in the row in front of me. Whats with people having to sit near each other?? Anyways, the girl puts her feet up on the seat in front of her and starts talking immediately. The dude whips out the smuggled in drink and later the cell phone. I tell him its annoying. The next time the cell phone comes out glowing my friend tells him its still annoying. The third, fourth and fifth times this goon is trying his best to just hide the glow of the phone while he undoubtedly texts some dire messages back and forth hopefully to resolve a life and death matter. OMG. After the fifth time I decide like I have in the past to give this little ignorant shit a piece of my mind in front of everyone outside once the movie is finished.
Are you ready for the twist? My friend hits the bathroom after the movie lets out and I wait on a bench for these two patrons to emerge. Finally they come out and begin to walk towards me. I stand up with my pent up anger guiding me and as I open my mouth to tell this little puke how much of a slave to cell phones he is and how he ruined my movie going experience, the unthinkable happens. The two of them walk up to and then enter the staff only door. THEY WORK AT THE MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sat back down in actual awe. Feet on the seats, talking, smuggling outside food and using cell phones. And they work there. I just about threw up in my mouth.
I give up. So for any other assholes out there that cannot go 90 minutes without texting, maybe just don't sit in front of people??!! My next report on this subject will surely involve an arrest report. I have simply run out of patience.

Rating 2 1/2 wrong guesses out of 5 (would have been more without the bad experience)

CYRUS

Starring Jonah Hill, Marisa Tomei and John C Reilly

This my friends is a weird one. You meet a girl at a party and everything clicks. You hit it off and want to see her again but she has a secret. The secret keeps her guarded and elusive and it slowly drives you to follow your girl and find out for yourself what the secret is. You go to her house and the secret finally reveals itself in the form of a 22 year old man in her house. Her son.
What follows is a sort of creepy and massively misleading character study. The relationship between mother and son is oedipal at best and tends to push the envelope at times in a rather uncomfortable fashion.
Now onto the second conflict and that is the sabotaging of the relationship by the title character as he simply doesn't want another man to be with his mother. The previews for this movie lead me to believe that it was a comedy and I suppose there were indeed a few chuckles here and there but the over all tone of the movie is so very dark and disturbing that the odd smattering of jokes seemed almost inappropriate.
I love every actor involved here and the people attached to the production as well but somehow they all got together and just seemed to irritate me. Nothing went over my head and nothing missed the mark. This story is well executed and well acted but sometimes these little art house style movies just aren't for me.


Rating 1 1/2 overlong mother and son hugs out of 5

MACHETE

Starring Danny Trejo, Robert DeNiro, Don Johnson and Steven Seagals hair piece.

What started out as a joke movie preview a few years ago in the Grindhouse double feature has now blossomed into a full fledged motion picture.
Danny Trejo is the title character out for revenge against a few scumbags that have wronged him and killed his wife.
Now onto the laughable parts of this train wreck. Steven Seagal is fooling absolutely no one with his beyond ridiculous hair. He has a widows peak reminiscent of a bad painted on vampire wig. Am I to believe that he is the only man in the world with a PROceding hairline?
Now onto Jessica Alba's utterly hilarious attempt at acting. Wow doesn't quite say it. Miss Alba needs to maybe stick to modeling or perhaps hire a coach or play mute in her next role, a paralyzed mute. Then again, there was a scene in this movie where she was pretending to be asleep and I was still unconvinced.
Who's next? Oh Lindsay Lohan is in this one too and she appears topless!! Psych!!
No she doesn't. She has the gall to use a boob double. Thanks for nothing LiLo.
Michelle Rodriguez plays an independent tough chick. Am I saying wow too much?
O.k maybe its time for some positive notes. Jeff Fahey was great and chewed up every scene he was in. Well played. DeNiro seemed to have a lot of fun on this one too. Don Johnson was adequate at best and certainly doesn't need the paycheck, believe me when I tell you he was the wealthiest person involved, so I guess it was just another chance to work with Cheech Marin, even though they had no scenes together?!?
Bloody? Yes. Clever at times? Yes. Perhaps if only for one amazing scenario involving a bad guys disembowelment and Machete's subsequent escape. If you see this movie you will be tickled at the inventiveness.
All in all though, this movie simply had too many shitty performances and not the kind where it was supposed to be corny and fun, I mean just plain old 8th grade type of school play bad. So if you don't have any kids in this one to go and cheer on. Then don't bother. Just watch the trailer on a loop for an hour and a half.

Rating 1 1/2 amputations out of 5.

Piranha 3D

Starring Elizabeth Shue and some of the best gore make up ever

Wow. The 3D scenes are terrible and the actors are wooden. But don't let that fool you. This movie is about the camp and about the gore and that's where it succeeds.
The not so subtle nods to Jaws are hilarious, including the man of the hour himself (Richard Dreyfuss) making a cameo and also the camera techniques employed such as the world famous fade away close up.
But my friends, its the gratuitous nudity and the buckets of gore that make this one an amazing summer treat. Take it from someone who has seen hundreds of horror movies, this one has some of the absolute best make up the industry has to offer. It should and probably will win awards.
For any gore hounds out there, do yourself a favour and see this one on the big screen before its too late. You wont regret it.
There are also a couple of funny moments brought to us by Jerry O'Connel who plays a sleazy coke head, girls gone wild type of porn director. The line of the movie has to be after his encounter with the deadly fish where it looks like death is seconds away but his concern is that they took his penis. "they took my penis" he keeps muttering. Good silly stuff.

Rating 4 shredded coeds out of 5

The Switch

Starring Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston

Am I the only one that thinks this poster is disturbing?
A jackass that sort of likes his best friend switches her "ingredients" the night she is set to get pregnant. There, that's enough of the plot. Now onto how Jennifer Aniston keeps getting starring roles. I defy you to name an outstanding performance of hers on the silver screen.
Jason Bateman on the other hand is one of the most reliable and under rated actors working today. The lack of Hanks/Ryan chemistry in this turn is simply overwhelming. You wont believe for a single second that these two were meant to be. In fact, I think the movie could have been better if they never ended up together. Make it funnier!! Make it a character study!! Let the supporting cast members Jeff Goldblum and Juliette Lewis maybe have one scene together. Try some ad lib's.
This movie fails on almost every account and with such a likable cast it's really a shame.
If you are looking for current date flicks that are actually funny and with chemistry that is indeed real then go and see Going The Distance with Drew Barrymore and Justin Long. The supporting cast in that one are worth the price of admission.

Rating 1 creepy premise out of 5

Salt

Starring Angelina Jolie and Liev Schreiber


The biggest news surrounding this movie was that Tom Cruise was offered the lead role and reportedly turned it down. Salt then goes on to debut at number 1 and people murmur that Cruise made the wrong move. Nope.
This movie has been made a dozen times over the last dozen years and the bulk of it's predecessors did a better job. This movie had elements of Face Off, The Bourne series and to a lesser extent, every James Bond ever. The problem is the pay off. None.
Jolie is fine and all but in the back of my mind through out the whole flick, I simply found myself wondering if she took this role just to prove that she could still get it done. After having 3 kids and adopting 3 others and doing what she does as a humanitarian and diplomat, I call into question the logic behind all the stunt work and glamor of such an endeavor. What if she got hurt making this nonsense? Would it be worth it for the sake of a run of the mill spy movie? Still nope.
The twists were what I like to call "mile away" moments and further to the point, unnecessary. Jolie runs like a girl and weighs about 95 lbs soaking wet and so the countless hand to hand battles seemed laughable. Super trained spy is one thing, but superwoman moves and strength??
My last hilarious note here were the disguises that she used. At a few points she simply puts on different hats!! And when she dyes her hair and wears different colored contacts, false teeth and a fake nose you are still left with her GIGANTIC LIPS. Any agent worth HIS salt (pun intended) could spot her in a crowd of thousands.
This one fails on almost every level for me and the full yet completely stoic crowd may be inclined to agree. The early success can be attributed to a nice campaign and good trailers, but rest assured these numbers will drop with word of mouth. Remember the opening weekend of the Wolverine movie? It did 88 million which is amazing, but the following weekend it did 9. You can fool some of the people some of the time...

Rating 1 1/2 grains out of 5

Robin Hood

Starring Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett

I was watching Russell on Letterman the other day and he said that there had been over 50 incarnations of Robin Hood in cinema to date and when Dave asked him why he made another, Crowe simply said that the others were lousy. Kevin Costner would beg to differ, hell, so would Mel Brooks.
This particular version had plenty of action and back story but much like poor Mr Costner, I found myself criticizing the casting and lack of genuine accents. Are there no English actors ready to take this on? Thanks anyways Americans and Aussies.
The movie in its opening weekend failed to take the top spot from Iron Man 2 and if that is any indication of where it will go from here, then Avatar it ain't.
But on a serious note, this was a good time killer and so too thought the sea of gray hairs in the theater amongst me. I often wonder if actors or even producers of movies like this consider their audience base on a whole. Young kids weren't exactly clamoring to get tickets for this one and the timing was sort of poor as well. Knowing full well that Iron Man was a juggernaut the first time around, why not wait until maybe 3 or 4 weeks after its release this time around?. That's why they get paid the big bucks folks.
Again, not much wrong with this one other than the occasional truant accent. Well told and easy on the eyes. Enjoy.
Rating 2 1/2 actual English people out of 5


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Oceans

Following the success of Disney's stunning 2009 film Earth, we delve deep into our oceans for a rare glimpse at some of the worlds strangest and most beautiful yet unseen creatures.
Narrated (laughingly) by 007 himself Pierce Brosnan in a rather hokey Twas The Night Before Christmas style, we journey from shore to shore and bare witness to some stunning scenes and sequences involving all of the oceans local residents and some casual visitors as well.
This film is mind bending at times and then Pierce brings you right back down to earth with some of the lamest commentary this side of a grade 6 museum tour. If you can tune him out and simply relax while taking in the spectacle before you, you will be pleasantly surprised.
I had many favourite scenes in this one and I would only sound like a nerd if I told you how totally awesome it was to see a deep sea diver in front of a jelly fish the size of a Volkswagon beetle, so I wont bother to geek out any further. I will however urge you to check this one out while it's still out on the big screen, as that is definitely the way to enjoy this one.
Never mind Remington Steel talking down to you, but rather, escape into a world that should help put your little problems in perspective.

Rating 3 dugong's out of 5