WALL STREET : MONEY NEVER SLEEPS

Starring Michael Douglas and Shia LeBoef

The roll that won Michael Douglas an Academy award a few decades ago is brought back to life in this Oliver Stone sequel and for the life of me I cannot figure out why.
Some of this movie borrows from the headlines of the past few years and the collapse of the financial district and the other parts borrow from High School Musical.
People spread rumours and gossip about the ones they hate, promises are broken and friendships go south. Lives are destroyed and fortunes are made and then ruined.
Shia LeBoef does a reliable job playing a reluctant hero as he has in every single thing he has done before this. We get a tease of Gordon Gekko getting released from prison in the opening credits but then we have to wait more than half an hour before he shows up again as Stone tries to make you care for the younger characters this time around. You don't. Another thing you wont care for courtesy of Mr Stone are his version of hi tech special effects and imagery peppered through out the film. You could have actually made this a 3D movie with all of his smoke and mirror nonsense. Maybe it would have cured my boredom.
I did however spring back to life at one point when a very pleasant and surprising cameo popped up out of the blue. But alas at that point I had already given up and I could not be saved.
All I could think about during this one was the fact that Michael Douglas has stage 4 tongue cancer in real life from a lifetime of drinking and smoking and they sort of glorified that aspect of his lifestyle in the movie. They even used the C word 3 times during the film as it related to peoples behaviour and such. It was kind of tough to watch him chomp on expensive cigars and drink with every meal knowing what we do now. Do you suppose he gives a shit in real life that this sort of portrayal will lead to people wanting to emulate that lifestyle? It probably hasn't even occurred to him.
Oh yeah, Susan Surrandon is also in this one and guess what...she smokes too. Way to go Hollywood.
This movie bored me to the point that I almost left but to be honest with you the popcorn was very good and so I stayed to finish the bag. It was overlong and in my opinion should have been an Oliver Stone documentary on the actual financial meltdown of late. That would be worth watching.

Rating 1 1/2 bail outs out of 5


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DEVIL

Starring Bokeem Woodbine and some others.

This movie right out the gate had a sort of Twilight Zone or even Alfred Hitchcock short story vibe. I like that. We all know the premise by now, several strangers are trapped in an elevator and havoc ensues. One of them may or may not be the Devil himself. I found myself asking why would the Devil waste his time with one or two poor souls while there is so much more that he could be doing at the time. Thankfully as the movie progressed, that became less and less of a concern.
It's hard to say whether or not people are ready to forgive M Night after his recent string of bombs but I actually didn't mind this one. The "twist" in this one wasn't so much a twist as it was a reveal and I thought it pretty clever. Not wanting to spoil much, I will just say to have fun amongst your friends trying to figure out which one of the characters is the baddie. Just when you think you've won...nope.
And now for my own personal twist ending story about seeing this movie. Everyone that knows me knows that I simply cannot stand assholes in the theater that cannot go 90 min without using their glowing cell phones. Sure enough with only 8 of us in the theater I thought I would get away with a clean viewing. So naturally with 10 seconds to go before the movie starts, a couple of people come in and naturally sit in the row in front of me. Whats with people having to sit near each other?? Anyways, the girl puts her feet up on the seat in front of her and starts talking immediately. The dude whips out the smuggled in drink and later the cell phone. I tell him its annoying. The next time the cell phone comes out glowing my friend tells him its still annoying. The third, fourth and fifth times this goon is trying his best to just hide the glow of the phone while he undoubtedly texts some dire messages back and forth hopefully to resolve a life and death matter. OMG. After the fifth time I decide like I have in the past to give this little ignorant shit a piece of my mind in front of everyone outside once the movie is finished.
Are you ready for the twist? My friend hits the bathroom after the movie lets out and I wait on a bench for these two patrons to emerge. Finally they come out and begin to walk towards me. I stand up with my pent up anger guiding me and as I open my mouth to tell this little puke how much of a slave to cell phones he is and how he ruined my movie going experience, the unthinkable happens. The two of them walk up to and then enter the staff only door. THEY WORK AT THE MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sat back down in actual awe. Feet on the seats, talking, smuggling outside food and using cell phones. And they work there. I just about threw up in my mouth.
I give up. So for any other assholes out there that cannot go 90 minutes without texting, maybe just don't sit in front of people??!! My next report on this subject will surely involve an arrest report. I have simply run out of patience.

Rating 2 1/2 wrong guesses out of 5 (would have been more without the bad experience)

CYRUS

Starring Jonah Hill, Marisa Tomei and John C Reilly

This my friends is a weird one. You meet a girl at a party and everything clicks. You hit it off and want to see her again but she has a secret. The secret keeps her guarded and elusive and it slowly drives you to follow your girl and find out for yourself what the secret is. You go to her house and the secret finally reveals itself in the form of a 22 year old man in her house. Her son.
What follows is a sort of creepy and massively misleading character study. The relationship between mother and son is oedipal at best and tends to push the envelope at times in a rather uncomfortable fashion.
Now onto the second conflict and that is the sabotaging of the relationship by the title character as he simply doesn't want another man to be with his mother. The previews for this movie lead me to believe that it was a comedy and I suppose there were indeed a few chuckles here and there but the over all tone of the movie is so very dark and disturbing that the odd smattering of jokes seemed almost inappropriate.
I love every actor involved here and the people attached to the production as well but somehow they all got together and just seemed to irritate me. Nothing went over my head and nothing missed the mark. This story is well executed and well acted but sometimes these little art house style movies just aren't for me.


Rating 1 1/2 overlong mother and son hugs out of 5

MACHETE

Starring Danny Trejo, Robert DeNiro, Don Johnson and Steven Seagals hair piece.

What started out as a joke movie preview a few years ago in the Grindhouse double feature has now blossomed into a full fledged motion picture.
Danny Trejo is the title character out for revenge against a few scumbags that have wronged him and killed his wife.
Now onto the laughable parts of this train wreck. Steven Seagal is fooling absolutely no one with his beyond ridiculous hair. He has a widows peak reminiscent of a bad painted on vampire wig. Am I to believe that he is the only man in the world with a PROceding hairline?
Now onto Jessica Alba's utterly hilarious attempt at acting. Wow doesn't quite say it. Miss Alba needs to maybe stick to modeling or perhaps hire a coach or play mute in her next role, a paralyzed mute. Then again, there was a scene in this movie where she was pretending to be asleep and I was still unconvinced.
Who's next? Oh Lindsay Lohan is in this one too and she appears topless!! Psych!!
No she doesn't. She has the gall to use a boob double. Thanks for nothing LiLo.
Michelle Rodriguez plays an independent tough chick. Am I saying wow too much?
O.k maybe its time for some positive notes. Jeff Fahey was great and chewed up every scene he was in. Well played. DeNiro seemed to have a lot of fun on this one too. Don Johnson was adequate at best and certainly doesn't need the paycheck, believe me when I tell you he was the wealthiest person involved, so I guess it was just another chance to work with Cheech Marin, even though they had no scenes together?!?
Bloody? Yes. Clever at times? Yes. Perhaps if only for one amazing scenario involving a bad guys disembowelment and Machete's subsequent escape. If you see this movie you will be tickled at the inventiveness.
All in all though, this movie simply had too many shitty performances and not the kind where it was supposed to be corny and fun, I mean just plain old 8th grade type of school play bad. So if you don't have any kids in this one to go and cheer on. Then don't bother. Just watch the trailer on a loop for an hour and a half.

Rating 1 1/2 amputations out of 5.

Piranha 3D

Starring Elizabeth Shue and some of the best gore make up ever

Wow. The 3D scenes are terrible and the actors are wooden. But don't let that fool you. This movie is about the camp and about the gore and that's where it succeeds.
The not so subtle nods to Jaws are hilarious, including the man of the hour himself (Richard Dreyfuss) making a cameo and also the camera techniques employed such as the world famous fade away close up.
But my friends, its the gratuitous nudity and the buckets of gore that make this one an amazing summer treat. Take it from someone who has seen hundreds of horror movies, this one has some of the absolute best make up the industry has to offer. It should and probably will win awards.
For any gore hounds out there, do yourself a favour and see this one on the big screen before its too late. You wont regret it.
There are also a couple of funny moments brought to us by Jerry O'Connel who plays a sleazy coke head, girls gone wild type of porn director. The line of the movie has to be after his encounter with the deadly fish where it looks like death is seconds away but his concern is that they took his penis. "they took my penis" he keeps muttering. Good silly stuff.

Rating 4 shredded coeds out of 5

The Switch

Starring Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston

Am I the only one that thinks this poster is disturbing?
A jackass that sort of likes his best friend switches her "ingredients" the night she is set to get pregnant. There, that's enough of the plot. Now onto how Jennifer Aniston keeps getting starring roles. I defy you to name an outstanding performance of hers on the silver screen.
Jason Bateman on the other hand is one of the most reliable and under rated actors working today. The lack of Hanks/Ryan chemistry in this turn is simply overwhelming. You wont believe for a single second that these two were meant to be. In fact, I think the movie could have been better if they never ended up together. Make it funnier!! Make it a character study!! Let the supporting cast members Jeff Goldblum and Juliette Lewis maybe have one scene together. Try some ad lib's.
This movie fails on almost every account and with such a likable cast it's really a shame.
If you are looking for current date flicks that are actually funny and with chemistry that is indeed real then go and see Going The Distance with Drew Barrymore and Justin Long. The supporting cast in that one are worth the price of admission.

Rating 1 creepy premise out of 5