Halloween 2

Starring Lois Lane, Dr Johnny Fever and Weird Al

It figures I couldn't go 2 movies in a row on here and have them both be great. Where do I begin with Rob Zombies latest vision? And that's just the problem here, Zombies visuals are all over the place and none of them original. Its almost as if he swept up the cutting room floor on the sets of The Ring and The Grudge for some of his terrible imagery and when it came time to create his own tense moments he opted instead to simply add stab counts to the countless and pointless murder scenes. I swear Michael Myers would have carpal tunnel problems after all that hacking.
Now onto the ridiculous actors involved. The girl playing Mikeys sister couldn't carry Jamie Lee Curtis' lunch let alone a scene of her own. The incessant screaming wore thin about 15 minutes into the film and it only got worse. She has a multitude of breakdowns and nightmares and then shakes them off in the end in order to go party with her friends when most people would have checked themselves into an asylum after seeing what she has seen.
Mixed in with the terrible acting is the terrible dialogue. Just laughable at times. With gems like "slow your roll" you can tell you're watching an instant classic unfold. The dialogue only gets worse when you consider the equally hilarious delivery from these low level actors. I'm all for Rob Zombies wife being in every movie he makes, but when she remains fully clothed and plays a ghostly vision of the Myers matriarch while hanging out with one of the Budweiser Clydesdale's that was photo shopped (poorly)to appear all white, then I take issue with her relevance. She has a baby like voice and the lines that she had to spew were simply ineffective.
OK now onto the lame violence. If Mike stabbed someone in the first remake 10 times,well then he better stab someone 11 times in this one. It was almost like a fun game to try and guess how many times these goofs were going to get their heads bashed or chests stabbed. Either way, no one wins.
And for my final rant here, Malcolm McDowell's Dr Loomis was for some reason turned into a glamour hog of an asshole this time around and was in all actuality completely unnecessary and honestly served zero purpose. Damn, I forgot one little thing that bugged me in terms of the background nonsense and set designs. OK this is the last rant I promise. For some reason this movie was to have taken place in present day and yet several people in the story were seen watching black and white televisions and there is even an old dial style radio. Is this supposed to be a throwback to 1981 to make it a bit nostalgic? If so, it failed. It just looked out of place and sloppy.
I think I'm done with this one for now and if you haven't guessed, here's the rating...

Rating 1 1/2 Moody Blues videos out of 5

District 9

Starring Sharlto Copley

Finally my long summer of unoriginality has come to an end and with exquisite results to boot. District 9 for those that aren't aware (all 2 of you) is about an alien ship that has broken down and become stranded hovering over South Africa and for 20 years now. The aliens that were found inside have been kept in a slum like set up while the government tries to figure out how to deal with their expanding numbers as well as attempting to figure out how to duplicate and manipulate their weaponry that can only be used by the aliens themselves.
Our main star here named Wikus is a bit of a schmoe and is married to the generals daughter and thru some obvious nepotism has been appointed the leader of a mission to relocate and basically evict the aliens one at a time. Our hapless hero sets out to prove that he is the right man for the job and ends up bumbling his way through the first day of the process to mixed reviews as some humans and aliens wind up dead due to some miscommunications along the way. It only get better from there.
Now onto the techy gushing portion of the review. Thank Jebus that this movie had the testicular fortitude to shoot most of the action in daylight and not try to hide any shoddy production value. This movie was so brazen in that regard that it almost dares you to find the flaws and believe me I tried. All to often in Hollywood we get these sci fi films with aliens in them and the biggest cop out in the world is to shoot all of the alien scenes in the dark. It has nothing to do with the tone or feel of the moment folks, its simply a cheap trick to hide the shitty job they've done. If you've ever scene AVP 2 then I rest my case.
What we have here is an instant classic with a relatively unknown cast and fueled by Peter Jackson's ridiculous bankroll to insure quality is at the forefront. So much of this could have gone wrong but the top notch casting and special effects and riveting story line are enough to catapult this one into the top ten alien movies of all time. That list will come later in the year perhaps.
Easily the best movie of the year.

Rating 4 tins of cat food out of 5


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The Goods: Live Hard , Sell Hard

Starring Jeremy Piven, Ed Helms, Ving Rhames, Pivens new hair

Roped in by another flick with people that I've enjoyed in other movies and figuring that I really couldn't go wrong with all of them together. Ken Jeung being one of them and the biggest disappointment by a long shot here. Jeung is a fantastic stand up comic and writer but here he seemed like an awkward first year theater student, just terrible acting all around. The next big let down was the completely absent editing team. This flick was choppy as hell and several jokes seemed to be trimmed or toned down and that really took away from some potentially funny scenes. Its almost as if they were playing it safe at times and the other times where they were aiming for an audience pop things just fell flat.
Now onto the shameless promotion of cigarettes yet again in an irresponsible scene that kicks off the movie. Useless and stupid. You cant smoke on planes anymore because science has proven that it EFFING KILLS YOU, it has nothing to do with people trampling on your rights so why do I have to sit through a tiresome scene where Piven harkens back to the good old days when you could smoke on a plane and he gives such a rousing speech that he convinces everyone on board that its actually a good idea to light up.
My common sense and ideals aside, this movie failed on many many more levels. The Hangover for example is now the highest grossing R rated comedy of all time and deserves all the praise it has received and that's because they were aloud to do so much more with a restricted stamp where as The Goods was forced to cut so many almost funny scenes in an attempt to get a lower rating and thus reach a broader audience. The audience may be broader but when the crowd is walking out as a couple did today when I caught the matinee then you've clearly made the wrong call. I cant blame the actors but rather the producers and studios for this one not reaching a tenth of its potential.
Having been a fan of Pivens since 1993 when I saw him in Judgement Night I've been waiting patiently for all these years for the rest of North America to catch on and with his multiple Emmy wins recently and finally getting the push he deserves of starring in his own vehicle its just a shame that it falls so flat.
Better luck next time and I hope the gloves come off then.

Rating 1 awkward cast out of 5


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ORPHAN

Starring Isabelle Fuhrman,Peter Saarsgard,half the script of The Good Son

There's quite a bit of buzz surrounding this one and rightly so.It seems to have an identity crisis and in some circles is being hailed as an instant cult classic while in others,an unintentional comedy laugh-fest.Either way, its open to interpretation and so I will offer my two cents and then leave it up to you fine folk.
With a running time of over 2 hours ,Orphan drags at points while establishing the painstakingly obvious but once we finally get a glimpse of the evil title character in action we are treated to a laughable exercise in foreshadowing.My buddy and I were actually saying "DEAD!"aloud each time Esther the orphan shot a dirty look at someone and then we waited with giddy anticipation so see exactly how she would dispatch of her foes.
In the early 90s MacCauley Culkin shed his goody goody image to star in his first R rated movie about an evil prick of a visiting cousin in the movie The Good Son and his performance was top notch and believable.Our star here is albeit waaaaaaay meaner looking when she has to be and so the posters are doing their jobs but she is actually so completely unlikeable during this films entirety that even when the family sets out to adopt her and she is at her saccharin filled best,you still want to pie face her.Not to give anything away here about how the story sorts out but if you see this flick in a crowded theater,keep an ear out for the crowds reaction during the scene where Esther actually does get bitch slapped.The people at my viewing (save for the asshole girl that couldn't stop texting during the 9:30 showing Monday July 27th at Rainbow cinema in London Ont)laughed and cheered when it went down.
And so I too am at a crossroads for how to rate this one.It was too long but it made me laugh.It was predictable but it kept my interest.They tried to throw in a "surprise" twist at the end but it felt forced.You see the problem here?
Never one to back down from a gut feeling,I think this movie stunk.Ultimately.

Rating 1 1/2 family portraits out of 5


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BRUNO

Starring Sacha Baron Cohen

You may have seen mixed reviews for this one and rightly so,as this one ain't for everyone. I Try not to read reviews until Ive written my own,but this time around I watched At The Movies to hear what Ben Lyons and Mank had to say. Mank hated it and Lyons seemed indifferent but found it funny. Now that Ive seen it for myself, I know now that if you don't like Bruno,then it has obviously offended you. Make no mistake here,this movie is supposed to offend and it gets the job done. Its also laugh out loud funny more than often enough for me to recommend.
Much like how Jay Leno built a career out of making fun of Americas ignorance in his Jay-Walking segments,this movie and its writers do the exact same thing only on a much larger scale. It has been described as mean spirited by some but I don't buy that. One scene in particular comes to mind where Bruno has transformed himself into a macho straight man named straight Dave and Dave is the face behind and upstart mixed martial arts company. At an event the cameras pan the crowd to reveal a sea of rednecks and the straightest of straight fans that have come to see men beat the hell out of each other. One fan grabs your attention right away with his hollering and shouting in anticipation of seeing some fights. When the tables are turned and the fan is all of a sudden forced to watched two gay men kiss and roll around on the ground disrobing inside of the cage,he actually starts to cry. Even the women in crowd are such rednecks that they all stand aghast with their hands covering their mouths in disbelief. Its like these people were watching a loved one put to death. North Americans have a lot to learn when it comes to tolerance. There are other creeps in this movie but I cant turn this into a novel of a review,so take this one with a grain of salt and check it out for yourself.
And folks if you do go and see this one and come out hating it then do yourself a favour and go straight home and look in the mirror and ask yourself again why you hated it so much. The answers might shock you,but only if you actually acknowledge them.

Rating 3 1/2 Mexican chairs out of 5


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EXTREME MOVIE

Starring Michael Cera,Frankie Muniz,Jamie Kennedy,Mathew Lillard

Written by Andy Samberg and Will Forte of SNL fame ,this is a collection of raunchy sketches transformed into movie form.Unfortunately,something gets lost along the way.There are gross out moments that would never air on regular television here and I suppose that was the idea behind making them into an unrated straight to DVD compilation.
I can say that I was pleased though to have so many young people in the cast that actually looked like they could indeed still be in high school,especially after just having seen the movie Fired Up and being aghast at the so called student actors.On a side note,that movie starred Eric Christian Olsen and in the Bluray extras he talked about having also been in the movie Not Another Teen Movie (8 years ago) and here he is again at age 32!!!!!playing a high school student again.You at least don't find that level of contempt for the viewer here with Extreme Movie and that alone is refreshing enough to recommend to casual viewers.
If you take each scene for what its worth and imagine it's more of a variety show format with dirty sketches rather than an actual 3 act movie,then you might enjoy this one.Hell,I might go so far as to recommend watching it in 15 minute instalments for that matter.
Either way,you have to find it first and good luck with that.I'm pretty sure I've got the only copy in London.Maybe you can borrow it sometime.But I want my tool set back first.

Rating 2 blueberry yogurts out of 5



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PUBLIC ENEMIES

Starring Johnny Depp,Christian Bale and tons of 1930s cliches

Johnny Depp can walk into any role and make it his own and this one is no exception. As the gun wielding bank robber John Dillenger,Depp brings a certain swagger to the role as only he can. This movie would have been a lot worse if it weren't for Depp,but the problem is that its already pretty lame with him. I understand that the film makers wanted a certain level of atmosphere and credibility in recreating 1933 here but it was a bit forced at times. Almost as if the research dept simply watched a dozen movies made in that era and very lazily added the dialogue from them along with the whole body english of the time as well. Just sloppy. It could have been made in black and white to at least complete the ripped off themes. This was 2 and a half hours of brutal murders and spectacular shoot outs and car chases injected with God awful dialogue and often marble mouthed deliveries of said dialogue. Did no one swear in the 30s? How can you have a scene involving the beating of a helpless woman followed by a scene where the word scram is uttered? SCRAM!?! Yeah yeah,I know it was widely used back then,but so was "get the f@%& out of here" and that certainly would have lent more credence to these scenes.
I thought my hearing was going at one point after not being able to understand a couple of lines in the movie but my fears were put to rest when the woman sitting in front of me leaned over to her friend and said that she couldn't understand some of the lines. Sloppy sound editing/dubbing all around.
If there is one outstanding moment in this one it would have to be the last big gun battle in the woods. Where the dialogue failed,the sounds and visuals of the several different guns of the time were sensational. Not since Heat have I seen a gun fight worthy of mentioning in such high regard. If you listened with your eyes closed it would have been just as good.
Too bad that one extended scene couldn't save this over long endeavour. It was so overwhelmingly boring at times that I wasn't even mad at the several people in the crowd texting on their cell phones. Normally I would lose my mind at that sort of ignorant behaviour but I found myself envious of them at the time. They still remain assholes though. It was so boring in fact that as soon as Dillinger was gunned down (sorry to ruin the ending,but good lord read a history book dummy) people immediately got up and left the theater with a good 5 or 10 minutes of "story" remaining.
Another bothersome point here was lack of screen time for some actors. Giovanni Ribisi is in this movie for a cup of coffee and is a giant talent just wasted. The biggest joke though was well after the 2 hour mark LeeLee Sobieski shows up for an even lesser role and has maybe one line. Other shafted parts belonged to Steven Dorff and Channing Tatum but Tatum didnt bother me in the slightest. How he's getting these roles is beyond me.
So as you may have gathered,this one didnt quite do it for me. A rare miss by Bale and Depp. The Untouchables was a better film in that genre and to be honest, that one was over rated as well, but at least had some memorable performances.

Rating 2 good gun fights out of 5


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