MACHETE

Starring Danny Trejo, Robert DeNiro, Don Johnson and Steven Seagals hair piece.

What started out as a joke movie preview a few years ago in the Grindhouse double feature has now blossomed into a full fledged motion picture.
Danny Trejo is the title character out for revenge against a few scumbags that have wronged him and killed his wife.
Now onto the laughable parts of this train wreck. Steven Seagal is fooling absolutely no one with his beyond ridiculous hair. He has a widows peak reminiscent of a bad painted on vampire wig. Am I to believe that he is the only man in the world with a PROceding hairline?
Now onto Jessica Alba's utterly hilarious attempt at acting. Wow doesn't quite say it. Miss Alba needs to maybe stick to modeling or perhaps hire a coach or play mute in her next role, a paralyzed mute. Then again, there was a scene in this movie where she was pretending to be asleep and I was still unconvinced.
Who's next? Oh Lindsay Lohan is in this one too and she appears topless!! Psych!!
No she doesn't. She has the gall to use a boob double. Thanks for nothing LiLo.
Michelle Rodriguez plays an independent tough chick. Am I saying wow too much?
O.k maybe its time for some positive notes. Jeff Fahey was great and chewed up every scene he was in. Well played. DeNiro seemed to have a lot of fun on this one too. Don Johnson was adequate at best and certainly doesn't need the paycheck, believe me when I tell you he was the wealthiest person involved, so I guess it was just another chance to work with Cheech Marin, even though they had no scenes together?!?
Bloody? Yes. Clever at times? Yes. Perhaps if only for one amazing scenario involving a bad guys disembowelment and Machete's subsequent escape. If you see this movie you will be tickled at the inventiveness.
All in all though, this movie simply had too many shitty performances and not the kind where it was supposed to be corny and fun, I mean just plain old 8th grade type of school play bad. So if you don't have any kids in this one to go and cheer on. Then don't bother. Just watch the trailer on a loop for an hour and a half.

Rating 1 1/2 amputations out of 5.