ORPHAN

Starring Isabelle Fuhrman,Peter Saarsgard,half the script of The Good Son

There's quite a bit of buzz surrounding this one and rightly so.It seems to have an identity crisis and in some circles is being hailed as an instant cult classic while in others,an unintentional comedy laugh-fest.Either way, its open to interpretation and so I will offer my two cents and then leave it up to you fine folk.
With a running time of over 2 hours ,Orphan drags at points while establishing the painstakingly obvious but once we finally get a glimpse of the evil title character in action we are treated to a laughable exercise in foreshadowing.My buddy and I were actually saying "DEAD!"aloud each time Esther the orphan shot a dirty look at someone and then we waited with giddy anticipation so see exactly how she would dispatch of her foes.
In the early 90s MacCauley Culkin shed his goody goody image to star in his first R rated movie about an evil prick of a visiting cousin in the movie The Good Son and his performance was top notch and believable.Our star here is albeit waaaaaaay meaner looking when she has to be and so the posters are doing their jobs but she is actually so completely unlikeable during this films entirety that even when the family sets out to adopt her and she is at her saccharin filled best,you still want to pie face her.Not to give anything away here about how the story sorts out but if you see this flick in a crowded theater,keep an ear out for the crowds reaction during the scene where Esther actually does get bitch slapped.The people at my viewing (save for the asshole girl that couldn't stop texting during the 9:30 showing Monday July 27th at Rainbow cinema in London Ont)laughed and cheered when it went down.
And so I too am at a crossroads for how to rate this one.It was too long but it made me laugh.It was predictable but it kept my interest.They tried to throw in a "surprise" twist at the end but it felt forced.You see the problem here?
Never one to back down from a gut feeling,I think this movie stunk.Ultimately.

Rating 1 1/2 family portraits out of 5


For a Limited Time - 20% Off Player T-Shirts & Select Jerseys

BRUNO

Starring Sacha Baron Cohen

You may have seen mixed reviews for this one and rightly so,as this one ain't for everyone. I Try not to read reviews until Ive written my own,but this time around I watched At The Movies to hear what Ben Lyons and Mank had to say. Mank hated it and Lyons seemed indifferent but found it funny. Now that Ive seen it for myself, I know now that if you don't like Bruno,then it has obviously offended you. Make no mistake here,this movie is supposed to offend and it gets the job done. Its also laugh out loud funny more than often enough for me to recommend.
Much like how Jay Leno built a career out of making fun of Americas ignorance in his Jay-Walking segments,this movie and its writers do the exact same thing only on a much larger scale. It has been described as mean spirited by some but I don't buy that. One scene in particular comes to mind where Bruno has transformed himself into a macho straight man named straight Dave and Dave is the face behind and upstart mixed martial arts company. At an event the cameras pan the crowd to reveal a sea of rednecks and the straightest of straight fans that have come to see men beat the hell out of each other. One fan grabs your attention right away with his hollering and shouting in anticipation of seeing some fights. When the tables are turned and the fan is all of a sudden forced to watched two gay men kiss and roll around on the ground disrobing inside of the cage,he actually starts to cry. Even the women in crowd are such rednecks that they all stand aghast with their hands covering their mouths in disbelief. Its like these people were watching a loved one put to death. North Americans have a lot to learn when it comes to tolerance. There are other creeps in this movie but I cant turn this into a novel of a review,so take this one with a grain of salt and check it out for yourself.
And folks if you do go and see this one and come out hating it then do yourself a favour and go straight home and look in the mirror and ask yourself again why you hated it so much. The answers might shock you,but only if you actually acknowledge them.

Rating 3 1/2 Mexican chairs out of 5


Banner (468x60)

EXTREME MOVIE

Starring Michael Cera,Frankie Muniz,Jamie Kennedy,Mathew Lillard

Written by Andy Samberg and Will Forte of SNL fame ,this is a collection of raunchy sketches transformed into movie form.Unfortunately,something gets lost along the way.There are gross out moments that would never air on regular television here and I suppose that was the idea behind making them into an unrated straight to DVD compilation.
I can say that I was pleased though to have so many young people in the cast that actually looked like they could indeed still be in high school,especially after just having seen the movie Fired Up and being aghast at the so called student actors.On a side note,that movie starred Eric Christian Olsen and in the Bluray extras he talked about having also been in the movie Not Another Teen Movie (8 years ago) and here he is again at age 32!!!!!playing a high school student again.You at least don't find that level of contempt for the viewer here with Extreme Movie and that alone is refreshing enough to recommend to casual viewers.
If you take each scene for what its worth and imagine it's more of a variety show format with dirty sketches rather than an actual 3 act movie,then you might enjoy this one.Hell,I might go so far as to recommend watching it in 15 minute instalments for that matter.
Either way,you have to find it first and good luck with that.I'm pretty sure I've got the only copy in London.Maybe you can borrow it sometime.But I want my tool set back first.

Rating 2 blueberry yogurts out of 5



Receive $100 off Shipping XZipit Home Theater Recliners and Rocker Recliners until 07.12.09.

Starring Johnny Depp,Christian Bale and tons of 1930s cliches

Johnny Depp can walk into any role and make it his own and this one is no exception. As the gun wielding bank robber John Dillenger,Depp brings a certain swagger to the role as only he can. This movie would have been a lot worse if it weren't for Depp,but the problem is that its already pretty lame with him. I understand that the film makers wanted a certain level of atmosphere and credibility in recreating 1933 here but it was a bit forced at times. Almost as if the research dept simply watched a dozen movies made in that era and very lazily added the dialogue from them along with the whole body english of the time as well. Just sloppy. It could have been made in black and white to at least complete the ripped off themes. This was 2 and a half hours of brutal murders and spectacular shoot outs and car chases injected with God awful dialogue and often marble mouthed deliveries of said dialogue. Did no one swear in the 30s? How can you have a scene involving the beating of a helpless woman followed by a scene where the word scram is uttered? SCRAM!?! Yeah yeah,I know it was widely used back then,but so was "get the f@%& out of here" and that certainly would have lent more credence to these scenes.
I thought my hearing was going at one point after not being able to understand a couple of lines in the movie but my fears were put to rest when the woman sitting in front of me leaned over to her friend and said that she couldn't understand some of the lines. Sloppy sound editing/dubbing all around.
If there is one outstanding moment in this one it would have to be the last big gun battle in the woods. Where the dialogue failed,the sounds and visuals of the several different guns of the time were sensational. Not since Heat have I seen a gun fight worthy of mentioning in such high regard. If you listened with your eyes closed it would have been just as good.
Too bad that one extended scene couldn't save this over long endeavour. It was so overwhelmingly boring at times that I wasn't even mad at the several people in the crowd texting on their cell phones. Normally I would lose my mind at that sort of ignorant behaviour but I found myself envious of them at the time. They still remain assholes though. It was so boring in fact that as soon as Dillinger was gunned down (sorry to ruin the ending,but good lord read a history book dummy) people immediately got up and left the theater with a good 5 or 10 minutes of "story" remaining.
Another bothersome point here was lack of screen time for some actors. Giovanni Ribisi is in this movie for a cup of coffee and is a giant talent just wasted. The biggest joke though was well after the 2 hour mark LeeLee Sobieski shows up for an even lesser role and has maybe one line. Other shafted parts belonged to Steven Dorff and Channing Tatum but Tatum didnt bother me in the slightest. How he's getting these roles is beyond me.
So as you may have gathered,this one didnt quite do it for me. A rare miss by Bale and Depp. The Untouchables was a better film in that genre and to be honest, that one was over rated as well, but at least had some memorable performances.

Rating 2 good gun fights out of 5

Thursday, July 2, 2009

THE PROPOSAL

Starring Sandra Bullock,Ryan Reynolds and Betty White

Another odd pairing thrown together for shits and giggles and this time around starring two of my favourite comedic actors. Ive liked Ryan Reynolds for about a decade now,since his sitcom days and Bullock is more at ease in these types of movies as opposed to "her" mediocre turns in action fair.
Bullock is a no nonsense tyrant in the publishing biz and Reynolds is her reluctant assistant trying his best to simply shut up and climb the corporate ladder. Bullock is suddenly facing deportation back to Canada and quickly announces her engagement to her gofer. Now onto the part where they try to convince everyone they know,as not to be found guilty of fraud that its all legit.
We fly to Alaska to meet Reynolds' family played nicely by Mary Steenburgen and Craig T Nelson with Betty White as the 90 year old gammy. White has never lost a step and could teach a thing or two to some of these so called female comediennes in film today i.e Witherspoon and Ferris. But that's a whole other review.
Clocking in a just under 2 hours,this one lags at points but is buoyed by the ensemble. One odd scene in particular is the now infamous nude shower scene with Bullock stark naked having to cover up her package and "boobs" with just her man hands before bumping into an equally nude Reynolds and falling into a naked heap on the ground. This on top of way too many scenes involving Bullock chocking back tears and showing off a robust Adam's apple offers even more evidence that Sandy Bullock is not quite who Sandra Bullock claims to be.
My massively on point theories aside,this flick had some decent laughs and several running gags in place long enough to keep your interest.If you can get around the whole falling for each other after 4 days vs hating each other for 3 years thing,then you might actually enjoy this one.

Rating 2 1/2 easter eggs out of 5

EDEN LAKE

Starring Kelly Reilly and Michael Fassbender

This British horror film was recommended to me by a friend and it caught my attention after hearing some odd and evasive reviews by people not wanting to give too much of it away.It may as well have been a viral video in that regard,in that you watch it and feel dirty and humiliated and so of course the next logical step is to forward it to all of your friends so that they may partake in your shame.
Our story begins like so many others of the same genre,with a couple on vacation and running into some less than desirable folks/townies.If you've seen Wolf Creek,The Descent,The Strangers etc,then you've seen the first act of this film.Where it takes a sharp and disgusting turn is a little past the half way point and it only worsens from there.Now add a little bit from Hostel,Saw,Bully and High Tension.These are all sick yet somewhat stylized movies whereas Eden Lake is simply a glorified snuff film.The director/writer is going for shock value and was actually proud of the reaction this movie evoked at screenings.People apparently left screenings with white faces and feeling like they had been physically beaten up.Bravo.
This was a train wreck from start to finish and if you like this sort of thing,you probably beat your dog.The only redeeming quality here were the actual performances themselves.The bad guys were so disgusting in their actions that you end up watching them with balled up fists.They were so convincing as scum and our female lead was a little bit above average herself and with that you find yourself rooting for her the whole way through.The overwhelming sense of dread is so profound though,that this movie can actually ruin your day.
Now here's my dilemma...Because all of these factors are in place and effective,do I give it a good rating?Its kind of like being asked to judge disasters,was Katrina better than the tsunami?
I cant do it.This movie was disgusting.I hate the fact that this has become a new genre,the so called gore-no.Its not cinema,its recreational debasement.
I think I would understand some critics giving this a strong review based on the afore mentioned criteria,but much like the viral theme,see it for yourself but dont say I didnt warn you.

Rating absolute zero



20% off Select Gametime Watches until 07.15.09.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123

Starring John Travolta and Denzel Washington

I mentioned in an earlier edition that we as movie goers will be treated to a disgusting average of 1 unoriginal movie per week for the next two years in the form of either sequels or remakes or adapted novels.Here we have simply the latest in that long line.The original version came 35 years ago and starred Walter Matthau and was a genuine hit.Fast forward a few decades later and update the cast with some big guns and buckle up for yet another movie who's ending is already common knowledge to previous fans.The only reason I bothered with this one is because I hadn't actually seen the original and so I found the idea somewhat intriguing albeit formulaic in principal.
From the opening credits featuring Jay Zs song 99 Problems (ironically a remake of an Ice T original) I got into a nice little groove and was ready for a gritty little flick.For the most part,that's what the viewer gets.The suspense was established nicely and Travolta's character was almost too likable to be the heavy but he pulled it off as it went on.If the movie stayed as a back and forth exchange between the two leads,I would have been o.k with that.But alas,the streets eventually fill with action that was for the most part an absolute joke.We see a remarkable car crash that was spectacular in every way except for the fact that it was absolutely unnecessary.I mean really unwarranted,there was no chase,no shoot out,no trap set,the cop car simply gets caught speeding and hits another car and the accident would have easily killed everyone involved,but that's not the focus,so its not even addressed.
Aside from the customary action needlessly injected,this was a nice and dirty story with a sort of seldom seen ending after an initial twist is revealed and its maybe worth a casual viewing.Certainly not worth the 15 bucks plunked down at the new digital v.i.p cinema in my town,not by a long shot.But that's another story.
This one basically boils down to whether or not you're a fan of the two leads.If so,giver' a go.

Rating 2 1/2 plot twists out of 5