The Year Of The Yao

Starring Yao Ming

When you are 7 and a half feet tall and Chinese, you tend to get noticed everywhere you go. Now consider being just 22 years old and being picked first over all in the NBA draft. Now you REALLY get noticed. Leaving his homeland and setting course for the United States at that young age is what Yao Ming did in 2002 and this film chronicles his first year in the league and his first year in America. Already a huge star and gifted athlete in his homeland, Yao must now make the transition in a foreign land and overcome more obstacles than any of us will face in a lifetime and hes got about 2 and a half weeks to get used to it before the world gets their first peek at what all the fuss is about.
With heavy weight names like Bill Clinton, Adam Sandler, P.Diddy and Shaq all weighing in with their first impressions you start to get a sense of exactly how big this person is and the magnitude of what it means for the two very different countries involved.
Its like starting a new job and having a bunch of co workers watching over your every move, except that in this case its your co workers and 300 million casual fans that are doing the watching. No pressure I'm sure. The fact that Yao Ming still remains so grounded to this day is a testament to his upbringing and demeanor. His humility is astounding and Americans could learn a great deal from his example.
You cheer for him and laugh with him and you are bummed out when he is as well. The ups and downs in this first year for Ming would be enough to make most men walk away from it all deflated and disheartened but Ming takes everything dealt his way and comes out stronger in the end.
Peppered with funny everyday scenarios and the odd serious tone, this documentary delivers a heartfelt account of one mans journey into a brand new world that very few of us could ever fathom. It is uplifting and rewarding to watch. Honestly, I don't say that sort of thing about movies these days.
This one is hard to find but I urge you to seek it out as I'm sure you wont be disappointed.
In particular, check out the extras on the DVD and look for the segment entitled Vitamins And Gin. Here Ming mistakenly drinks the equivalent of 5 or 6 shots of gin after taking his vitamins (he thought it was water). Human reaction in documentaries is often far better than any scripted scene in regular movie fare.
If you live near me, lemme know if you would like to see it and I will let you borrow mine. You may have to special order it otherwise.

Rating (for basketball fans) 4 chicken wings out of 5
Rating (for casual fans) 3 1/2 pizza slices out of 5

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The International (Blu-ray)

Starring Clive Owen and Naomi Watts (sort of)

I am writing this review as a Blu-ray review and believe me when I tell you that these things matter.
Clive Owen works for Interpol along with Naomi Watts and they have been working on a conspiracy involving one of the worlds largest banks and some unsavory activities.
Every time they get a lead, their lead turns up dead or they hit a brick wall. Realizing that working within the confines of the law isn't quite gonna cut it, Owens character decides to do a little work on his own.
I wont divulge too much else of the sometimes convoluted plot but I will delve into the guilty pleasures. I recommend this one as a Blu-ray viewing on a Hi-Def screen because the location shots are simply amazing. From Turkey to New York there is more than enough to visually hold your interest while the story unfolds. Not to be outdone by the stunning cinematography, the set designs are equally noteworthy, in particular is the recreation of the world famous Guggenheim museum in New York. Without really giving away much of the story, there is a fantastic shoot out sequence in the museum that easily ranks up there with Heat and other famous gun fight flicks. Check out the extras for the making of the fake museum, it was really something of an undertaking and it paid off in full.
Another bright spot in the technical department here is the excellent make up effects used. You would actually swear that Owen gets a piece of his ear shot off at one point. Sometimes its the little things like that that can make or break a movie and its credibility. Again, spot on.
Now onto my sly comment on Naomi Watts sort of starring in this movie. There is no love interest, there is no internal feud, there is no chemistry what so ever. She is only in this movie as the pretty blond to sell the film and that's a sort of shame because she is an otherwise great actress.
Other than that and the odd hole in the story that you could drive a truck through, this movie was very satisfying. It is slightly unconventional in wrapping up and to be honest that's a welcome change these days for this type of work.

Rating 3 1/2 bullet wounds out of 5


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The Men Who Stare At Goats

Starring George Clooney, Ewan McGregor and Jeff Bridges

We will start with the rating first out of frustration and disdain for this one.
Not Good.
Now onto the review through a series of flashbacks and lousy editing. Just kidding. Just imagine.
Roped in by a clever preview and intriguing premise, I settled in for what I thought would be a funny and quirky little story. What I got was a whole other movie. The idea here was to shed some light on a little known army faction known as the Jedi soldiers, a unit with super powers and telepathic abilities. With Ewan McGregor in the movie and with him having played a Jedi in the last 3 terrible Star Wars movies, this clever bit was funny the first time it was referenced. After more than ten references to the Jedi team and even the dark side it became less funny and more or less a pandering aggravation.
Clooney offers absolutely nothing new on top of his one note patented sarcasm shtick and I suppose that makes sense given his track record of only making great movies every 5 outings. He is either winning Oscars or making crap like this. Sadly, the crap is piling up. And he has company in the every so often brilliant category with the likes of Jeff Bridges and Kevin Spacey who are both wasted here.
The movie opens by telling us that like so many ridiculous films before it, this one is based on true events. If that's the case, then why not make a quasi documentary with actual soldiers telling their stories or even better, show us some real footage. There is a scene that closes this flick that makes you want to throw your popcorn at the screen. But I dare say that if any real footage were shown, then this movie would have made a lot more money.
Watch the preview on a continuous loop for a few minutes and save yourself the price of admission.

Rating 2 moustaches out of 5



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Cirque Du Freak The Vampire's Assistant

Starring a bunch of paycheck actors that deserve better



When I found out that this movie was based on one of 12 books I groaned at the prospect of another few sequels, let alone 11!! The books are one thing but the translation to the big screen is quite another. Sloppy effects and muddled dialogue made this one a chore to watch. And the tone is questionable here as well. I wouldn't recommend kids under 8 see this and yet older kids might find it boring. The sloppiness was everywhere in front of me, from holes in the story to some of the lousiest wire work in recent years. You know how sometimes when you watch wire work with stunts in movies and you can see the wires? Well here, you could actually hear them!! The zing and zip sounds were audible as all can be.
Now onto the "story". I can see this being a way better read than it was as a movie. It simply took way too long to get where everyone knew it was going. With more foreshadowing than any movie Ive ever seen before, you're left completely devoid of any suspense.
Now onto that casting problem. You wont care one bit for the two male leads in this, and that is a guarantee. Any other cast member that you recognize as a decent actor, like Willem Dafoe, Salma Hayek, and to a lesser extent, Orland Jones are in this movie for a cup of coffee and you kind of feel ripped off by that. The main name we know here is John C Reilly as the lead Vampire and his hair and make up don't exactly help the fact that he has just maybe the largest head in Hollywood. Its blue ribbon pumpkin big. Seriously, they take his head to all sorts of fall festivals and tractor pulls and people gaze at the sight of the 800 lb gourd that is John's head. He subsequently is laughable as the main attraction.
Not knowing how to categorize this movie is the last fault I found here (that I care to drone on about). Is this a comedy? Is this an action movie? Is it a funnier Twilight?. I'm gonna throw up in my mouth a little here but.... Twilight was a better movie. Urpp.

Rating 1 1/2 Vincent Price impressions out of 5

TYSON

Starring Mike Tyson and 1000 leeches



Directed by friend and fearless film maker James Toback, Mike Tyson agreed to this film while completing a recent stint in rehab and worth noting, he did it for free.
That's not to say that there wont be an eventual pay day as the movie has gone on to sell quite well for a documentary, but at the point of its origin, this film was made by a couple of buddies and the genuine return is evident.
Having been a fan since his humble beginnings, there really wasn't much here that I didn't already know. That being said, no one has ever heard Mike Tyson's own personal account of his now legendary career and infamous personal life. With shocking accounts and tearful sentiment, Tyson takes us back to the beginning of it all as an over weight nothing of a kid living in one of the dirtiest and most dangerous ghettos in New York. He watches women get smacked for speaking out of turn. He watches men get killed for a few dollars. He watches helplessly as bullies take his glasses from him and push him around. He cant do anything to stop these scenarios. Or can he?
Mike Tyson is the closest thing to a modern day Frankenstein that society could make. He was indeed shaped, created and made into the man that became Iron Mike. If he had grown up with a silver spoon in his mouth and had lived in the suburbs, we would have never seen the youngest champion ever and Japan would have never made a comic book about him, nor would Moscow have thrown him a parade.
James Toback was so convinced that people especially women would be a hard sell for his film that he set out to basically do some hard selling of his own. He took 35 women and made the following offer, watch the first 10 minutes and I will give you a hundred dollars to walk away after that. Or stay and watch the entire movie, but then you get no money at all. All 35 stayed and left without a penny.
That damn Tyson almost made me cry as he talked about his relationship with his mentor and trainer Cus Damato and as he struggled holding back his own tears, I was sold on the movie myself.
TYSON is a sad story, funny story, shocking story and a very well made film. Brilliantly photographed and peppered with poetry!! I said it, poetry.
Well worth a look. And I'm not just saying that because I'm afraid of him. Well maybe just a little.

Rating 3 1/2 comebacks out of 5

SAW 6

Starring Tobin Bell and no one else worth mentioning other than Eddie Winslow from Family Matters in a terrible and useless roll.

There is one thing saving this movie from receiving my second ever zero star rating, and that's the message in this one. Jigsaw has a hard on for what he believes is right and wrong in all of these movies and this time around the rather timely subject is the American health care's massively flawed protocol. That aside, we have nothing new here in the slightest. The opening tries to out-gore the previous 5 flicks and to a degree it succeeds.
Gross for the sake of being gross and sloppy along the way, this entry seems painfully redundant and completely dumbed down. The effects are sub par and the set designs are identical to the previous entries. If you are into these gore-no type movies just for the different kill scenes, then you should still skip this one. The brilliance of the first Saw is long gone and the suspense of the sequel in non existent. I don't think I witnessed anything new at all. People were cut, crushed, and shot. Sound familiar? There is actually a scene with a woman who has a severed arm and the f/x are so lame compared to the same technology that was done to perfection more than a decade ago in Forrest Gump, it made me squirm with disappointment.
Sadly the film ends (no surprise) with a wide open door ready for the seventh entry to limp into in approximately 11 months.
Groan.
Even the previews were lame at this movie. The new Nightmare On Elm St preview looks god awful and the new Freddy seems to have a speech impediment. Once again an unoriginal movie is set to clog up theaters in the upcoming months. I hope I'm wrong on that one.
In the mean time, do yourself a favour and if you absolutely must see this movie because you've seen the previous 5, then see it on a cheap day or rent it.

Rating 1 sloppy kill out of 5

Trailer Park Boys Countdown To Liquor Day

Starring Ricky, Julian and Bubbles but sadly NOT Cory and Trevor

I had to get that out of the way first off. Apparent squabbles and money matters lead to the omission of two of my favourite characters in the legendary Canadian cast that is Trailer Park Boys. That big bummer aside, we have the second silver screen story concerning everyones pals in the park and this one isn't really breaking any new ground.
The story is irrelevant but for sticklers it concerns some kittens, some weed, some jail and some beat up cars. The production is sloppy and although you could say that the half assed look of it all is simply part of the lore, it sadly does not translate well onto the big screen this time around. The acting was sloppy and the jokes were stale.
That being said, I really enjoyed myself with this one. I mean, really, who cares about production value and performances with these guys. This one note story can be played out several more times and still draw laughs from hardcore fans. Leahy and his spot on drunk guy routine is on the same level as Dudley Moore in the Arthur movies and the gut on Randy is a spectacle to behold. So many other classic staples are in place as well and will surely tickle the funny bone of the fans and even casual first time viewers.
Sometimes you need to take a step back from the gloss and pomp of a Hollywood comedy and just let funny be funny. This movie is a classic case of "if it ain't broke" and to be honest its a welcome change from the Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock schlock that passes for comedies lately. Those are good movie types for all ages and junk but for some good old fashioned outrageous laughs, look no further than your own backyard for the newest in funny Canadian comedy exports. You're welcome world.

Rating 2 3/4 man whores out of 5