Cirque Du Freak The Vampire's Assistant

Starring a bunch of paycheck actors that deserve better



When I found out that this movie was based on one of 12 books I groaned at the prospect of another few sequels, let alone 11!! The books are one thing but the translation to the big screen is quite another. Sloppy effects and muddled dialogue made this one a chore to watch. And the tone is questionable here as well. I wouldn't recommend kids under 8 see this and yet older kids might find it boring. The sloppiness was everywhere in front of me, from holes in the story to some of the lousiest wire work in recent years. You know how sometimes when you watch wire work with stunts in movies and you can see the wires? Well here, you could actually hear them!! The zing and zip sounds were audible as all can be.
Now onto the "story". I can see this being a way better read than it was as a movie. It simply took way too long to get where everyone knew it was going. With more foreshadowing than any movie Ive ever seen before, you're left completely devoid of any suspense.
Now onto that casting problem. You wont care one bit for the two male leads in this, and that is a guarantee. Any other cast member that you recognize as a decent actor, like Willem Dafoe, Salma Hayek, and to a lesser extent, Orland Jones are in this movie for a cup of coffee and you kind of feel ripped off by that. The main name we know here is John C Reilly as the lead Vampire and his hair and make up don't exactly help the fact that he has just maybe the largest head in Hollywood. Its blue ribbon pumpkin big. Seriously, they take his head to all sorts of fall festivals and tractor pulls and people gaze at the sight of the 800 lb gourd that is John's head. He subsequently is laughable as the main attraction.
Not knowing how to categorize this movie is the last fault I found here (that I care to drone on about). Is this a comedy? Is this an action movie? Is it a funnier Twilight?. I'm gonna throw up in my mouth a little here but.... Twilight was a better movie. Urpp.

Rating 1 1/2 Vincent Price impressions out of 5