TYSON

Starring Mike Tyson and 1000 leeches



Directed by friend and fearless film maker James Toback, Mike Tyson agreed to this film while completing a recent stint in rehab and worth noting, he did it for free.
That's not to say that there wont be an eventual pay day as the movie has gone on to sell quite well for a documentary, but at the point of its origin, this film was made by a couple of buddies and the genuine return is evident.
Having been a fan since his humble beginnings, there really wasn't much here that I didn't already know. That being said, no one has ever heard Mike Tyson's own personal account of his now legendary career and infamous personal life. With shocking accounts and tearful sentiment, Tyson takes us back to the beginning of it all as an over weight nothing of a kid living in one of the dirtiest and most dangerous ghettos in New York. He watches women get smacked for speaking out of turn. He watches men get killed for a few dollars. He watches helplessly as bullies take his glasses from him and push him around. He cant do anything to stop these scenarios. Or can he?
Mike Tyson is the closest thing to a modern day Frankenstein that society could make. He was indeed shaped, created and made into the man that became Iron Mike. If he had grown up with a silver spoon in his mouth and had lived in the suburbs, we would have never seen the youngest champion ever and Japan would have never made a comic book about him, nor would Moscow have thrown him a parade.
James Toback was so convinced that people especially women would be a hard sell for his film that he set out to basically do some hard selling of his own. He took 35 women and made the following offer, watch the first 10 minutes and I will give you a hundred dollars to walk away after that. Or stay and watch the entire movie, but then you get no money at all. All 35 stayed and left without a penny.
That damn Tyson almost made me cry as he talked about his relationship with his mentor and trainer Cus Damato and as he struggled holding back his own tears, I was sold on the movie myself.
TYSON is a sad story, funny story, shocking story and a very well made film. Brilliantly photographed and peppered with poetry!! I said it, poetry.
Well worth a look. And I'm not just saying that because I'm afraid of him. Well maybe just a little.

Rating 3 1/2 comebacks out of 5

SAW 6

Starring Tobin Bell and no one else worth mentioning other than Eddie Winslow from Family Matters in a terrible and useless roll.

There is one thing saving this movie from receiving my second ever zero star rating, and that's the message in this one. Jigsaw has a hard on for what he believes is right and wrong in all of these movies and this time around the rather timely subject is the American health care's massively flawed protocol. That aside, we have nothing new here in the slightest. The opening tries to out-gore the previous 5 flicks and to a degree it succeeds.
Gross for the sake of being gross and sloppy along the way, this entry seems painfully redundant and completely dumbed down. The effects are sub par and the set designs are identical to the previous entries. If you are into these gore-no type movies just for the different kill scenes, then you should still skip this one. The brilliance of the first Saw is long gone and the suspense of the sequel in non existent. I don't think I witnessed anything new at all. People were cut, crushed, and shot. Sound familiar? There is actually a scene with a woman who has a severed arm and the f/x are so lame compared to the same technology that was done to perfection more than a decade ago in Forrest Gump, it made me squirm with disappointment.
Sadly the film ends (no surprise) with a wide open door ready for the seventh entry to limp into in approximately 11 months.
Groan.
Even the previews were lame at this movie. The new Nightmare On Elm St preview looks god awful and the new Freddy seems to have a speech impediment. Once again an unoriginal movie is set to clog up theaters in the upcoming months. I hope I'm wrong on that one.
In the mean time, do yourself a favour and if you absolutely must see this movie because you've seen the previous 5, then see it on a cheap day or rent it.

Rating 1 sloppy kill out of 5

Trailer Park Boys Countdown To Liquor Day

Starring Ricky, Julian and Bubbles but sadly NOT Cory and Trevor

I had to get that out of the way first off. Apparent squabbles and money matters lead to the omission of two of my favourite characters in the legendary Canadian cast that is Trailer Park Boys. That big bummer aside, we have the second silver screen story concerning everyones pals in the park and this one isn't really breaking any new ground.
The story is irrelevant but for sticklers it concerns some kittens, some weed, some jail and some beat up cars. The production is sloppy and although you could say that the half assed look of it all is simply part of the lore, it sadly does not translate well onto the big screen this time around. The acting was sloppy and the jokes were stale.
That being said, I really enjoyed myself with this one. I mean, really, who cares about production value and performances with these guys. This one note story can be played out several more times and still draw laughs from hardcore fans. Leahy and his spot on drunk guy routine is on the same level as Dudley Moore in the Arthur movies and the gut on Randy is a spectacle to behold. So many other classic staples are in place as well and will surely tickle the funny bone of the fans and even casual first time viewers.
Sometimes you need to take a step back from the gloss and pomp of a Hollywood comedy and just let funny be funny. This movie is a classic case of "if it ain't broke" and to be honest its a welcome change from the Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock schlock that passes for comedies lately. Those are good movie types for all ages and junk but for some good old fashioned outrageous laughs, look no further than your own backyard for the newest in funny Canadian comedy exports. You're welcome world.

Rating 2 3/4 man whores out of 5

Inglourious Basterds

Starring Brad Pitt, Christopher Waltz and Dr Evil

Nazi occupied farmland in France sets the tone in the opening chapter of Tarentinos latest opus and perhaps I'm being too generous here but this opening sequence has maybe the finest piece of acting to grace the big screen all year. Christopher Waltz plays the "Jew hunter" and he has been sent to remote farms and country homesteads to more or less go over the area with a fine tooth comb in an effort to flush out any Jews that had by chance slipped through the cracks or escaped during the first raid of that particular region. Denis Menochet (a fantastic French actor) plays a simple farmer with three very lovely daughters who from his fields notices the Nazis approaching from afar and he then quietly alerts his daughters and instructs them to follow his lead as he awaits his most unwelcome of guests.
Suspected of harbouring Jews the "hunter" begins a haunting interview with our simple farmer. What follows is indeed one of the more memorable scenes in all of Tarentino's vast body of work.
Yes, there is ridiculous violence and yes there are somewhat humorous moments as are often found in Quentins movies but all that aside, it is the acting from the lesser known actors in this film that really keep it above average. Brad Pitt is barely in this and that's fine by me. He wasn't terrible by any stretch but the one note performance wasn't his Citizen Kane. And Mike Meyers???? Playing an English officer complete with his god awful accent was completely unnecessary. Meyers is another super talented actor when in his own element but the accent that we have come to know and love from all of his comedies seems absolutely out of place during his supposedly serious scene. If it were cut from the film you wouldn't even notice, it does nothing to move things along and its an unfortunate speed bump.
Another small celebrity complaint for me was the use of some former Tarentino alums lending their voices to some scenes. I don't want to be wrapped up in a well told story and then here a voice over on the radio or narrating a scene and then think to myself hey, that's Samuel L Jackson!! Or have someone in the crowd say "Harvey Keitel?" Good for them getting a bone thrown in their direction and all, but again, unnecessary.
These minor complaints aside, its long, its exciting, its graphic and some scenes will be remembered for generations to come.
Look for a welcome Academy surprise in a nomination this year for Christopher Waltz or at the very least the good old Golden Globe.

Rating 3 glasses of milk out of 5

Halloween 2

Starring Lois Lane, Dr Johnny Fever and Weird Al

It figures I couldn't go 2 movies in a row on here and have them both be great. Where do I begin with Rob Zombies latest vision? And that's just the problem here, Zombies visuals are all over the place and none of them original. Its almost as if he swept up the cutting room floor on the sets of The Ring and The Grudge for some of his terrible imagery and when it came time to create his own tense moments he opted instead to simply add stab counts to the countless and pointless murder scenes. I swear Michael Myers would have carpal tunnel problems after all that hacking.
Now onto the ridiculous actors involved. The girl playing Mikeys sister couldn't carry Jamie Lee Curtis' lunch let alone a scene of her own. The incessant screaming wore thin about 15 minutes into the film and it only got worse. She has a multitude of breakdowns and nightmares and then shakes them off in the end in order to go party with her friends when most people would have checked themselves into an asylum after seeing what she has seen.
Mixed in with the terrible acting is the terrible dialogue. Just laughable at times. With gems like "slow your roll" you can tell you're watching an instant classic unfold. The dialogue only gets worse when you consider the equally hilarious delivery from these low level actors. I'm all for Rob Zombies wife being in every movie he makes, but when she remains fully clothed and plays a ghostly vision of the Myers matriarch while hanging out with one of the Budweiser Clydesdale's that was photo shopped (poorly)to appear all white, then I take issue with her relevance. She has a baby like voice and the lines that she had to spew were simply ineffective.
OK now onto the lame violence. If Mike stabbed someone in the first remake 10 times,well then he better stab someone 11 times in this one. It was almost like a fun game to try and guess how many times these goofs were going to get their heads bashed or chests stabbed. Either way, no one wins.
And for my final rant here, Malcolm McDowell's Dr Loomis was for some reason turned into a glamour hog of an asshole this time around and was in all actuality completely unnecessary and honestly served zero purpose. Damn, I forgot one little thing that bugged me in terms of the background nonsense and set designs. OK this is the last rant I promise. For some reason this movie was to have taken place in present day and yet several people in the story were seen watching black and white televisions and there is even an old dial style radio. Is this supposed to be a throwback to 1981 to make it a bit nostalgic? If so, it failed. It just looked out of place and sloppy.
I think I'm done with this one for now and if you haven't guessed, here's the rating...

Rating 1 1/2 Moody Blues videos out of 5

District 9

Starring Sharlto Copley

Finally my long summer of unoriginality has come to an end and with exquisite results to boot. District 9 for those that aren't aware (all 2 of you) is about an alien ship that has broken down and become stranded hovering over South Africa and for 20 years now. The aliens that were found inside have been kept in a slum like set up while the government tries to figure out how to deal with their expanding numbers as well as attempting to figure out how to duplicate and manipulate their weaponry that can only be used by the aliens themselves.
Our main star here named Wikus is a bit of a schmoe and is married to the generals daughter and thru some obvious nepotism has been appointed the leader of a mission to relocate and basically evict the aliens one at a time. Our hapless hero sets out to prove that he is the right man for the job and ends up bumbling his way through the first day of the process to mixed reviews as some humans and aliens wind up dead due to some miscommunications along the way. It only get better from there.
Now onto the techy gushing portion of the review. Thank Jebus that this movie had the testicular fortitude to shoot most of the action in daylight and not try to hide any shoddy production value. This movie was so brazen in that regard that it almost dares you to find the flaws and believe me I tried. All to often in Hollywood we get these sci fi films with aliens in them and the biggest cop out in the world is to shoot all of the alien scenes in the dark. It has nothing to do with the tone or feel of the moment folks, its simply a cheap trick to hide the shitty job they've done. If you've ever scene AVP 2 then I rest my case.
What we have here is an instant classic with a relatively unknown cast and fueled by Peter Jackson's ridiculous bankroll to insure quality is at the forefront. So much of this could have gone wrong but the top notch casting and special effects and riveting story line are enough to catapult this one into the top ten alien movies of all time. That list will come later in the year perhaps.
Easily the best movie of the year.

Rating 4 tins of cat food out of 5


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The Goods: Live Hard , Sell Hard

Starring Jeremy Piven, Ed Helms, Ving Rhames, Pivens new hair

Roped in by another flick with people that I've enjoyed in other movies and figuring that I really couldn't go wrong with all of them together. Ken Jeung being one of them and the biggest disappointment by a long shot here. Jeung is a fantastic stand up comic and writer but here he seemed like an awkward first year theater student, just terrible acting all around. The next big let down was the completely absent editing team. This flick was choppy as hell and several jokes seemed to be trimmed or toned down and that really took away from some potentially funny scenes. Its almost as if they were playing it safe at times and the other times where they were aiming for an audience pop things just fell flat.
Now onto the shameless promotion of cigarettes yet again in an irresponsible scene that kicks off the movie. Useless and stupid. You cant smoke on planes anymore because science has proven that it EFFING KILLS YOU, it has nothing to do with people trampling on your rights so why do I have to sit through a tiresome scene where Piven harkens back to the good old days when you could smoke on a plane and he gives such a rousing speech that he convinces everyone on board that its actually a good idea to light up.
My common sense and ideals aside, this movie failed on many many more levels. The Hangover for example is now the highest grossing R rated comedy of all time and deserves all the praise it has received and that's because they were aloud to do so much more with a restricted stamp where as The Goods was forced to cut so many almost funny scenes in an attempt to get a lower rating and thus reach a broader audience. The audience may be broader but when the crowd is walking out as a couple did today when I caught the matinee then you've clearly made the wrong call. I cant blame the actors but rather the producers and studios for this one not reaching a tenth of its potential.
Having been a fan of Pivens since 1993 when I saw him in Judgement Night I've been waiting patiently for all these years for the rest of North America to catch on and with his multiple Emmy wins recently and finally getting the push he deserves of starring in his own vehicle its just a shame that it falls so flat.
Better luck next time and I hope the gloves come off then.

Rating 1 awkward cast out of 5


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