The Watchmen

Starring the Silver Surfer's cousin,Batman's cousin,Xena's cousin and Darkman's cousin.

Coming in at a whopping and unnecessary 2 hours and 45 minutes I suppose some people are thankful that this one took its time in explaining the back-round to every single hero involved while trying to simultaneously tell a story.I for one had no clue that this was even a comic or dark novel or what ever you wanna call it until I saw a preview for the film last year.Being a fan of the directors version a while back of the remake of the Dawn of the dead, I decided to give this one a go.
Graphic novel is right!This movie had more frontal male nudity than a Harvey Keitel movie marathon.It actually became funny after the 5th or 6th time and soon became a running joke amongst the movie goers.Briefly, while on that topic of movie goers, I have to announce a new record for ignorance, set by a slovenly dressed fellow that came into the movie 1 whole hour after it had started and with a tray of nachos of course.He sits in front of me and chews said chips with no inclination to close his mouth while chewing and during some of the quietest and most poignant parts of the story.He then takes a phone call as his ringer blasts away while he walks outside to take the call, and then to top it all off, he sends a text upon sitting back down with his phone glowing brightly.That was about all I could take and I simply uttered "are you f@$*ing kidding me?" He closed the phone and sat still for the remainder of the film.
O.K back to the movie.This one had me wondering about our ratings system on account of the commercials and previews.I certainly hope that parents don't see the D.C comics logo and assume that this super hero story would be a good one to take the kids to, because I can assure you it is not.Boasting a record amount of disturbing kills scenes (some of which involving innocent people) this comic adaptation is a bit much at times.No one is spared here, from pregnant women to dogs, everyone seems to get shot or cut up or at the very least,disfigured here.And the terrible part is that its the "good" guys that are doing all the killing and maiming in the story.
Supposing you are a fan of the story and already know all of this,then perhaps this ones for you.But as an outside observer I found it rather ignorant and malicious.
Style points on the other hand are through the roof here.There are some wonderful shots and sequences and inventive camera work from beginning to end.That being said,I have to admit that because it was so beautifully photographed in parts that I found myself eyebrows raised and enjoying some moments here and there.
With a conflicted admiration for the movie I'm going to say that if you don't mind some heavy and hard to watch violence and the odd dozen or so scenes featuring the blue man groups wiener then this ones for you.

Rating 2 1/2 exploding people out of 5

Pink Panther 2

Starring Steve Martin, John Cleese, Jean Reno

Fresh of the heels of seeing the worst performance ever by an actor (Chris Klein) in Street Fighter, I was looking forward to some intentional laughs with this one, and for the most part, I got them.To be honest, I had only expected a few laughs here and was anticipating the now infamous hamburger routine born in the first installment.I was more than pleased that the laughs were peppered through out the film and it had way more chuckles than I had expected.
Also duly notable is the fantastic cast that Martin has surrounded himself with, from John Cleese ,Jean Reno,Andy Garcia,Alfred Molina to the fantastic Lilly Tomlin (in a subdued but spot on roll) this group really seemed at ease with each other and more than content to play second banana to Martins Clouseau.
It became obvious from the onset that the cast did not do this for the pay but rather in an Oceans eleven sort of manner came together to work for roughly 20 of percent their normal rate simply for the chance to work with Martin and Cleese and who can blame them.
The plot here is moot,but the journey and laughs along the way are what is key.Martins impeccable timing and delivery really shine through the goofy exterior of the film and keep things moving along nicely.I was pleasantly surprised with this one and to be clear here, its nowhere near the legend making material of the Sellers franchise but in its own right it does just fine.

Rating: 3 Embergerrs out of 5

Street Fighter The legend of Chun Li

Starring Kristin Kreuk,Michael Clarke Duncan,Chris Klein.

Ive done it!!!!Ive found the single worst performance by an actor in the last 25 years.His name is Chris Klein.Folks, ive seen roughly 2000 movies in my life and there have been some whoppers along the way in terms of lousy performances, but this is by far and away the most ridiculous thing that I have ever seen.Klein is soo bad here,that its almost hard to pick a starting point to try to explain to you in words just how truly awful he was.I can start by telling you that this "movie" was actually released in part to promote a video game and not the other way around as is usually the case, so it is more or less a 90 min commercial for the game.That being said...Good grief.I know for a fact that the video game is going to deliver better acting than its live action counter part.
I laughed every time Chris Klein appeared on screen and uttered any lines and was simply left with my jaw agape after every scene as he managed to out awful himself.In a guilty and somewhat evil spirited way, I hope that you all go and see this movie (sneaking in, being the best way) and endure what I did, so that we may have a round table discussion about this fantastic piece of garbage.
To give Chris Klein a break for a bit, I will move on to other horrific details like how in one of the main characters close ups, you can see the glue from his dollar store wig showing.Then we also have some of the cheesiest special effects this side of student films,with pyro footage seemingly stolen from a Great White concert, producing equally disastrous results.
This movie changed the way I think about production values and actors as a whole.You can seldom cut corners with certain aspects of a big budget production, but when when you start cutting corners in multiple facets, then my friends,you've got Street Fighter.
From the hokey inner dialogue that opens the story and continues through out, to the rampant lack of talent on screen, this movie deserves a special wing of its own for the Razzies next year.I am hard pressed to come up with anything nice to say here about this one, but I will try.Ummmm...o.k, here it is,Kristin Kreuk's stunt double (despite being 25lbs heavier)did a fine job.
Rating: 1 and 1/2 acting lessons refunded out of 5.

81st Academy Awards

We were promised some surprises last night for the 81st edition of the oscars and for the most part, they were pleasant ones to boot.Knowing full well that Hugh Jackman isnt exactly known for his sense of humour,I was a tad nervous for him, yet eager to see what he had in store.From the opening number with its toned down theme, the audience collectively breathed a sigh of relief and we knew it would be o.k.
For all intents and purposes, the show went according to plan and everyone that won an award was forcasted to do so.The presentation of the awards was actually what had everybody talking.Five previous winners in each of the major acting categories presented the awards after each singing the praises of the individual nominees.This, I hope, becomes tradition.
Now onto the jokes.Ben Stiller steals the show and does so effortlessly with his bang on impression of Joaquin Phoenix.My only problem with this is that I am a gigantic Phoenix fan and although I guaranty that he was not watching last night,it will no doubt have gotten back to him and I felt kinda bad for enjoying it so much.Cuba Gooding was on point as well last night when he was addressing Robert Downey and suddenly turned angry and yelled "what the hell were you thinking?" in regards to Downeys portrayal of a black man in Tropic Thunder.Not to be outdone was the incomparable Sean Penn who upon winning the Oscar for lead actor,called the audience a bunch of commie homo loving sons of guns.His speech rang true and was the real deal as is he.Penn admitted his faults and thanked his supporters and championed human rights and in the most unselfish act, thanked but one fellow actor then called him his brother.The actor was Mickey Rourke.Harley Davidson himself would have been proud.
Now onto the one and only black eye of the evening and it had nothing to do with the ceremony itself but rather the media before the show even began.On cable pulse 24, a local news ticker channel in Ontario, 3 hours before the show began, this channel leaked the fact that Slumdog was the big winner of the evening.At first I didnt know what to think, but they kept running the spot on the ticker and it even said that Slumdog takes the suspense out of the oscars as the headline story.The story ran once more then was taken off.For shame if this were true.
And now on a funnier preshow note.The red carpet show on the E channel(CTV)was an absolute disaster hosted by Ben Mulroney.This disingenuous prick had absolutely no business being on the red carpet interviewing celebrities.In one stunning piece of nonsense he interviews Josh Brolin and Diane Lane and proceeds to ask Diane if there are any tips that she can impart to her hubby on what to do that night as she herself has been to the oscars before as a nominee.Folks, the funny part is that Brolin was a nominee just last year for No Country for old men.Strike one Ben.The follow up to that ignorance was Mulroney then completely fabricating a story about Brolin and telling him that he knew Brolin desperately wanted to be in the movie Milk and was bothering the director so much that it almost seemed like he was stalking him.Ben is saying this right to Brolins face and kinda chuckling with a shit eating grin on his face because Brolin was kinda smirking as well and Brolin simply shakes his head in disbelief at this idiot and takes to the mic and tells Ben that that simply wasnt the case and that the director called him personally to offer him the role.Strike two Ben.We all know how he got this job, but Ben Mulroney, you sir are no Justin Trudeau.Stick to that garbage singing show clone and leave the in depth reporting to people that have a clue.
All in all the night was a success and hopefully continues on this path.We havent had a relaxed and playful evening since before 9/11 when the red carpet was taken away and people were afraid to have fun.It took the U.S a awhile to bounce back and hopefully we can maintain.

Friday the 13th

Starring 10 people you will never hear from again.

I think we are at number 12 and counting for good old Jason and his everlasting franchise . This time around he has put up some amazing numbers to the tune of 42 million bucks for the opening weekend.I, like most others that sold out theaters nation wide ,was eager to see this rejuvenated take on a sub par series and was so very very disappointed.
Unlike Freddy Vs Jason from a few years back, this movie lacked the charisma and vision of that one and was more of a simple rehashing of all those before it.You dont care one iota for any characters in this one and after a 20 minute introduction, thats right 20 minutes,the story kicks off for a second time and introduces even less talented actors and thats saying something.There are actually two women in this wreck that are so similar in looks that I had a difficult time discerning between the two after one was killed.I asked my friend at the time if it was the sister or the friend of the so called lead.
Now onto the God awful dialogue.Heres a sampling for you;"Say hello to your mommy for me, in hell!".Even worse than that, in one scene an "actor" hands Jason a hockey stick and utters "here ya go, it completes your look".
Wow.
The only thing that genuine fans can enjoy here are the different ways that our anti hero dispatches the chumps.For the most part, there is nothing new, the odd machete,bear trap,campfire and the token impalings.What is new, is the fact that our buddy Jason is now an excellent marksman with a bow and arrow as well.
Now onto the traditional hokey false ending.After one of the survivors wins the showdown at the end and sticks Jason in the chest with his own machete, he is then wrapped in canvas bag and dumped back into the lake from whence he came.As I watched this, I thought to myself, you might as well have given him a handful of flintstone vitamins and called him a cab.
I guess I was hoping for somewhat of a retelling of the first installment to see what could be added from todays perspective compared to 1980.But alas, it was just another by the numbers retread.Hopefully for the 13th one, we might get some fireworks.And in the meantime, bring on the inevitable Freddy origin movie to go along with the remakes of Psycho,Halloween,Texas chainsaw and Friday the 13th.At least Freddy comes with the witty one liners.

Friday the 13th.Rating 1 1/2 machete's

51st ANNUAL GRAMMYS

Yikes!What a long long show it was.We were promised some surprises last night and I suppose we got em.The ratings last year were abismal and it was a big show last year being the 50th and all. Here is a list of your surprises....Gary Sinese,Samual L Jackson,Morgan Freeman,Duane ''The Rock''Johnson,Gweneth Paltrow,Jay Mohr.Actors, wow thanks Grammy writers, just what I want in a music showcase of excellence.
Another supposed surprise was the band Blink 182 on stage presenting an award and announcing that they were getting back together.Back together?Were they apart?None of the thousands in attendance seemed to know that.
The worst stunt of the night though is owned by the Jonas brothers and Stevie Wonder for teaming up for a very sad medley.I dont blame Stevie here because he has 8 kids at home and much like Obama, is forced to say they like these fabricated con artists.The best part of that performance was when the weird lookin one,not the big headed one, the other one was all queued up to sing after Stevie and not only did he forget the first word but his voice cracked as well.Classic Disney pablum.Eat up America!
Some performances on the other hand were noteworthy and stood out.Like Radiohead performing with a marching band and lemme tell ya, those kids in the band were leagues ahead of some of the mediocrity showcased last night.Other hits of the night were numbers by Lil Wayne and shockingly a stripped down performance by Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift going accoustic.At least one of the new batch of the Disney era has some chops.
And now the hit and miss category.Paul McCartney performed a new song last night.Complete miss.U2 did as well, gee wiz it was bad.My friend and industry insider Jason Seifert said it best when he likened their new song to a cheese filled retread of an 80's one hit wonder by the name of Wild Wild West .Almost identical delivery folks, look it up.
But the hit of the night had to go to Neil freakin Diamond and despite having a brand new album out like the two previously mentioned,decided to go old school and hit the crowd with a laid back lounge version of Sweet Caroline.He wins for simply having thousands of fans and peers alike singing along with him and having a blast while doing it.
Now I suppose you wanna know who won what.Well, go to another site for a complete rundown but here's a few.
Lil Wayne Best Rap Album (zero surprise)
Coldplay won a couple
Robert plant & Alison Krauss won a couple including the big one
Adelle won best new artist and Kanye threw a fit.
Rick Rubin wins producer of the year and isnt even shown on screen.
Best acceptance speech Lil Wayne for being succinct and sincere
Worst acceptance speech Robert Plant for acknowledging the fact that he sold out.
All of that crammed into a mere 3 1/2 hours.treating this like a movie I have to give this one a rating of 2 lip syncs out of 5.
Better luck next year suckers.

TAKEN

Starring Liam Neeson and 95 unlucky stuntmen.

Before seeing this one, I had heard some so so reviews and the one major complaint critics had was that it was basically Liam Neeson against everyone in the world and there were simply too many bad guys to keep track of.
Who cares?This movie was top notch action of the hand to hand and car chase variety.It was so good in fact that I would rank the action sequences above and beyond the Bourne movies.You could actually see the hand to hand scenes without it being shot frantically or heavily edited.You believe the scenes as well because Neeson's character doesnt use more than a handful of the same moves against his foes but they are so devastating and effective that you cringe every time.
His drive is believable as well.His daughter in the movie is kidnapped and sold into the sadly all to real world of sex trafficking and has a mere 96 hours (statistically) to be found before being lost forever.The good news for us the fans is that our hero is a former government operative with as he puts it "a particular set of skills"that allows him to one by one work his way up from the low man on the scumbag totem poll to the top of the scumbag food chain.
The movie takes about 20 or so minutes to establish itself story wise and then its seatbelt time.
To put in perspective how much I enjoyed this movie,let me tell you that the theater where I watched it had the sound cut out for minutes at a time ,several times.The audience all received vouchers for a free movie in the end but for the most part we were all so engrossed in the movie that the technical mess ups barely made a difference in our enjoyment as an audience.
Also noteworthy is Neeson's soon to be infamous delivery of his speech to the baddies via cell phone mere seconds after his daughter is taken.It ranks right up there with" hello Clarise" and "go ahead, make my day"Its almost as if once he finishes his speech, you can see the terrible terrible fate of the man on the other end of the phone and you cant wait for it to happen.
One more note before I stop gushing about this one, wait for the scene with Liam and his old friend/contact and his friends wife having dinner together.It is soooo well written and almost jaw dropping as it unfolds.
Thats enough for now I suppose and if you havent guessed, I recommend this one to anyone who liked The Professional or Death wish or any early Seagal movies.
Rating 3 1/2 throat chops out of 5.