Safehouse

Starring Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds

At long last here it is! Here is a movie with a bevy of car chase scenes that dont seem formulaic or fake. Here is a movie where the hand to hand fight scenes are actually shown in great detail and not in some shaky close up and choppy fashion. And sometimes its the small things but finally we have a movie with decent make up! That's right I said make up. The sweat and blood and attention to detail in every characters visage is in a class of its own.
On a technical level, this movie is far superior to any of the Bourne movies and certainly holds its own against the last 5 Bond films as well. So refreshing is it to NOT be bored during a fist fight these days. And what a welcome turn to see stunt work with actual locations as opposed to manufactured sets.
Never mind the story really, there's a bad guy that has to brought in and there are some double crosses etc but because the acting and direction is so exceptional you really cant focus too much on plot.
Both leads are at the top of their game and deserve every accolade that comes their way as this Juggernaut tours the world.
With no hope for a sequel this may have to be one of those rare occasions for me where it warrants a second viewing in the theaters because and I will be honest with you, I was distracted once or twice by a douchebag in the cineplex with a glowing cellphone and I would totally pay to see this one again to catch the few glimpses I may have initially missed.
Seldom do I gush over action fare but what can I say? Go see this tomorrow or today based on whenever you are reading this and do yourself a favour and see it on the big screen and take advantage of the wonderful surround sound as that too is an achievement in this cant miss shoot em up.

Rating 4 1/2 double crosses out of 5

Chronicle

Finally a super hero movie without the hype and huge expectations and guess what? It works!
Our story begins with a teen living a rough life with a mother dying of cancer and an alcoholic father that blames him for everything. Add the super popular jock running for student council and the cool kid who happens to be cousins with the first guy. All caught up? Kay. So these three dudes stumble across something other worldly that passes along some very unique gifts to our three amigos and the fun begins.
As the old adage goes, with great power comes great responsibility. But what if you don't give a damn about responsibility? This is where the movie really kicks into high gear.
Without giving too much away I can say that you should try your best to imagine these things happening to you and how you may react differently.
The special effects are fairly decent, less some initial sloppy wire work and simple reverse filming techniques but when they want to impress, they really do.
The most common advice I like to give with flicks like this is to simply check your brain at the door and try to enjoy. That is made all the easier when you consider that there aren't any superstars in this one so it sort of seems easier to believe.

Rating 3 lifted skirts out of 5

Ride 'em Low

Mission Impossible 4

Starring Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg and some chick.

Poor Tommy needs a lil back up these days in his "Blockbusters". So along for the ride is the new "it" guy Jeremy Renner and funnyman Simon Pegg in this latest Impossible outing. The humour helps as we have pretty much seen it all with this franchise and this latest offering is much of the same ol thing but with a different cast and prettier scenery.
One of the things I actually enjoyed here were the scenes where everything was completely silent and there was very little going on but the actions were tense and engaging. Specifically one scene involving Cruise and Pegg having to sneak down a hallway guarded by one lone guard. Sounds simple enough but it was more entertaining than the car chases and sand storms combined.
Now onto the stuff that irked me. The whole basis of "Ghost Protocol" and the notion that the government doesnt know what these agents are up to. Isnt that basically the gist of every single spy movie? I mean these guys cant exactly use their own passports and get coffees and pay with their own credit cards. Geez, none of them "exist" according to anyone, EVER.
Another dislike was the lack of chemistry with the chick this time around. She didnt even have to be there. Her side story was boring as all hell and tied nothing together at all.
My biggest fail though would have to be the hokiest gimmick straight up ripping off the now infamous Cruise hanging from wires in the ultra sensitive room scene from the first flick. That would be Jeremy Renner wearing a magnetic suit and having to basically float in the same pose while doing lord knows what in some sort of boiler room. It was painful to watch and wholly improbable. I know its all far fetched but there are sooo many scenes in this one that simply border on ridiculous, it's hard to take seriously let alone enjoy.
For what this is, it's actually fairly good. But its still kinda bad.

Rating 3 location changes out of 5

A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas 3D

Staring Harold Cho and Kal Penn and of course NPH

It's been several years since their last adventure and the two stoner best buds have become estranged and each have a new best friend that the other cant stand. Well it sounds o.k on paper I guess. It's really not though.
This movie is a hot mess of atrocious 3D and lame weed jokes.I could be to blame here for watching this debacle while sober but what can I say, it was a Monday afternoon.
The jokes are flat and redundant and not even the mighty Neil Patrick Harris could help buoy they sagging storyline. Sure there are plenty of big fake boobs and some creative insults and of course the mandatory crude humour we have grown accustomed to but it all just seems like a rehash and a sloppy one at that.
If there are any redeeming qualities in this entry it would have to be the supporting cast including Rza and Tom Lennon and an all too brief appearance by Patton Oswalt.
Special mention again goes to how utterly shitty the supposed 3D effects were. What's with this crap? Of the dozens of movies to feature this nonsense this year, not one has blown my mind with visuals. Let's just cut this lame money grab out for once and for all.
At one point in this train wreck NPH alludes to a 4th movie and if sagging ticket sales are any indication then hopefully we can avoid that. All in all if you haven't guessed, this sucked.

Rating 1 coked out baby out of 5

JACK & JILL

Starring Adam Sandler and Al Pacino

Yes Al Pacino. The Al Pacino who for some reason does not appear in any of the previews? And he plays himself and is seemingly having a blast doing so.
Do we need to break down the movie any more than it being another Sandman farce? No not really but for those purists out there, it goes like this. Dual role and gross jokes. There. That being said there is a lil something here for all comedy fans and maybe just maybe the true saving grace is the glee one finds while playing spot the celebrity in supporting roles. I wont spoil too much but I can say that we see N.B.A champs and Olympic champs and Tennis Champs and world class actors alike during this ridiculous romp and that's all part of the fun.
Don't look for heart or underlying messages. Just check your brain at the door and enjoy this one.
Oh yeah and someone told me that Katie Holmes was in this movie as well. If that does anything for ya.

Rating 3 1/2 fart jokes out of 5

Apollo 18

Starring the Blair Witch script and some bad FX

Groan.
Sigh.
O.k here we go with another don't go into space cuz bad things happen movie. This movie is no different from the rest and hopefully Hollywood will pay attention and lay off of the creepy space stuff and just stick with huge aliens and asteroid scenarios.
You wont care one iota for any of the cast nor will you remember this movie by the time you get to the parking garage.
Also the dummy working the concession forgot to put ice in my drink and that really sucked. But the popcorn was good.
SPOILER ALERT time. The creatures on the moon are space Hermit Crabs. I shit you not. The Moon rocks are just shells and there are spider like animals living in them.
Now just try to imagine pitching this heinous idea to a production company and then they actually say yes and green light the project!!! To the movie makers credit, there is absolutely no way this flick can lose money. it looks like it cost under a million to make and will for sure show a return upon opening weekend and then fizzle out like the piece if trash that it is.
If you need to kill 90 minutes then do yourself a favour and watch 3 episodes of Storage Wars. Now that's a show with no budget that actually delivers.

Rating ZERO screams not heard in space out of 5

Dont Be Afraid Of The Dark

Starring Joey Cruise and some kid

The first few minutes of this thriller are gruesome, cringe inducing and a good indication that we may be onto something here. The story begins with a flash back of an old man trying to appease demons that feed on the teeth of children so that they may return his young son to him. Creepy stuff indeed.
Unfortunately that's where the chills end. The old man is long gone and his house is sold to an aspiring architect and his younger girlfriend. We have a little girl sent to live with her Dad and the new lady in his life (Katie Holmes) and by no means what so ever is this little girl afraid of the dark. I mean not even a little. In fact she spends the first hour or so seeking out the dark! That was flaw number one of many. Another glaring problem that didn't seem to matter to the director or writer was that the little Gremlin like creatures in the story are supposedly moving around by the cover or night and no one has ever seen them except for the the little girl. But by the end of the movie there is a a mountainous pile of evidence pointing to their existence and I guess we are supposed to ignore that.
All in all this is nothing more than an unfunny Gremlins or Ghoulies with a tired and dirty looking cast. The Dad in this looked like he hadn't had a shower in a bout a week and the girls hair was greasy and and she looked as if shes never seen the sun. Now THAT is scarier than the C.G.I rodents or supposed tension.

Rating 1 shrieking girl in a locked room out of 5