Dont Be Afraid Of The Dark

Starring Joey Cruise and some kid

The first few minutes of this thriller are gruesome, cringe inducing and a good indication that we may be onto something here. The story begins with a flash back of an old man trying to appease demons that feed on the teeth of children so that they may return his young son to him. Creepy stuff indeed.
Unfortunately that's where the chills end. The old man is long gone and his house is sold to an aspiring architect and his younger girlfriend. We have a little girl sent to live with her Dad and the new lady in his life (Katie Holmes) and by no means what so ever is this little girl afraid of the dark. I mean not even a little. In fact she spends the first hour or so seeking out the dark! That was flaw number one of many. Another glaring problem that didn't seem to matter to the director or writer was that the little Gremlin like creatures in the story are supposedly moving around by the cover or night and no one has ever seen them except for the the little girl. But by the end of the movie there is a a mountainous pile of evidence pointing to their existence and I guess we are supposed to ignore that.
All in all this is nothing more than an unfunny Gremlins or Ghoulies with a tired and dirty looking cast. The Dad in this looked like he hadn't had a shower in a bout a week and the girls hair was greasy and and she looked as if shes never seen the sun. Now THAT is scarier than the C.G.I rodents or supposed tension.

Rating 1 shrieking girl in a locked room out of 5

Captain America The First Avenger

Starring The Human Torch and Megatron

What should have been the biggest of all this years super hero movies was just released on the weekend and it didnt exactly set the world on fire. This is a tough story to sell in the midst of a couple of wars and a shitty economy coupled with a crippling heat wave and last but not least having to go up against the final Harry Potter.
That being said the movie was a lil bit more than good. The CGI was sort of sloppy in parts and the story although meant to be a throw back in style was also sort of hokey at times.
Tommy Lee Jones pretty much played what he always plays and played it well. The love interest was a dud. The acting was adequate but at least they got the action part right. I loved the terrible wire work with every kick and punch thrown by ol' Cap and even his costume was decent (I was worried about the wings on his helmet).
And now for my all too redundant rant with these types of movies. Why the 3D? Just a sad and pathetic money grab and Hollywood should be ashamed.
Chris Evans proved that he can carry a flick of this magnitude and so can his stunt doubles but lets just wait a year and see how he handles himself opposite the likes of Robert Downey in the real deal Avengers movie that I fully expect to set the world on fire. Hugo Weaving on the other hand as the red Skull was more than perfectly cast and chewed up even the scenes he wasnt in!! The make up was great except for his neck. I thought it was just the face/skull that was red? this made it look like his whole body was red. I digress.


Rating 2 1/2 garbage can lids out of 5





Rating 2 1/2 cyanide pills out of 5

Horrible Bosses

Starring Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Aniston

Thank you for trying again Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston after having to sit through their last effort The Switch, this time around they got it right.
We have all had jackass bosses or supervisors in our lives and if you don't think you have, well then I'm afraid that you were the jackass in question. This movie begs the question what if we could simply get rid of them? And so a plot is hatched and the funny begins.
Each of the main actors are themselves funny enough to headline a flick of this variety and so we couple that with a host of even more talented actors all taking turns trying to out douche one another and the result is near perfection. From sight gags to innuendo to the ever popular gag reel during the end credits this one is a bankable winner.
There is simply no weak link when watching Jamie Foxx, Colin Ferrel, Donald Sutherland, Kevin Spacey and Bob Newhart and theses guys aren't even the main actors! So do yourself a favour and wash the stink of lame comedies this summer out of your clothes and grab some popcorn and shut your GOD DAMMMMMNED cell phones off and enjoy.
Oh and on another note real quick, movie genres often stick to each other when it comes to the previews so if you see an action movie you will get action movie previews and so on and so I thought it hilarious that before this movie began they showed a preview for Final Destination 5. That's a little inside. But funny all the same.

Rating 4 jumping cats out of 5

SUPER 8

Starring Elle Fanning and Joel Courtney

There is a sort of hush around this movie in respects to what exactly the big nasty turns out to be and so consider this part a major spoiler alert!!! It's an alien.
Now onto why that doesn't matter in the slightest. This movie is a phenomenal slice of life without the alien distraction and all the bells and whistles of a summer blockbuster.
Remember E.T? Well this film takes place in the early 80s and has the same ambiance and strong set of family values but more than that, it actually transports you back in time to your child hood at least it did for me anyways.
From the opening song by E.L.O to the kids with long hair and the big ol cars in the streets everything was pitch perfect in recreating my early years.
Much like Stand By Me this one features a group of ragtag friends including the spaz and the heavy kid to the nerd and of course the girl next door that your family doesn't want you talking with because her Dad is an alcoholic. I could have watched this movie just for the cast and their mission of making a Zombie movie on their Super 8 camera and been just as entertained without the alien subplot.
That being said, this movie boasts the best train crash sequence in movie history and that too was worth the price of admission. I was actually nervous watching it. It was deafening and amazing to watch. Stuff like that works when it works ya know what I mean?
Then we come to the Alien plot and I wont divulge too much but it was handled well I guess but like I said before it was pretty much just the icing on the cake.
So despite this being a Sci-Fi flick, I am recommending it wholly as a an ensemble throw back piece. This could have been the best movie of the year but there is just a bit too much going on.

Rating 4 train cars out of 5

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THOR

Starring Anthony Hopkins and Natalie Portman and the dude who is the new Thor


Let's start with the negatives. 3D technology in these types of special effects/live action hybrids is utterly and completely useless and ineffective. The entire movie had a dark tone and look to it that almost ruined the experience for me. Just utter shit.
That being said, man I had fun with this one and maybe just a lil too much. There was something for everyone here. Humour, action and "special" effects. And ladies, there is obviously something for you as well. Chris Hemsworth (Thor) is enough of a man to make even a straight guy say damn.
Nerds can rejoice with this movie as well and have fun spotting other heroes in the making i.e Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye and a few other treats as well that I suppose I shouldn't share this early on.
The story is tried and true and almost Shakespearean in nature but the modern twists are what make it a fun outing.
The crowd was mostly female in the matinee today and its sort of odd to consider a Marvel super hero movie as a chick flick but given all the ones before it, let them have their fun :)
To sum up again without giving away too much. Thor is a nice gateway movie to bigger and better things and for a couple of hours you might as well just get lost in the idea of first loves, being a fish out of water, and ultimate revenge that some of us can all relate to.

Rating 3 car accidents out of 5


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LIMITLESS

Starring Bradley Cooper and Robert DeNiro (sorta)

You are a bum and a washed up writer without much of a future and someone from your distant past bumps into you on the street and offers you some drugs...
The drug opens up the parts of your brain that typically lay dormant and what follows is a fun fun ride.
I wont give too much away but basically what the drug here does is enables you to access every single memory you have ever had in your life and with astonishing detail. Remember that Bruce Lee movie you watched when you were a kid?? Well now you know karate! That's basically the bottom line but the catch is that you have to keep taking the drug or you will crap out and die. Oh ya and you only have a small amount left.
The mafia wants it, your boss wants it, and other assorted scummies around town as well. With that comes some nice foot chase scenes and cleverly choreographed fights as well to help the pace along in the slow points of the story.
The movie isn't mind bending but it is a head scratcher at times and for what its worth it's a nice escape for an hour and a half. So give it a go if the other movies are too packed.

Rating 2 1/2 severed hands out of 5

Big Momma's Like Father Like Son

Starring Martin Lawrence I guess





This poor dead horse has taken yet another brutal beating. Is there even any point in going on with any sort of actual review? I would like to apologize to my own eyes and brain for watching this (thankfully I didn't pay). In a way though, I did end up paying with my time.
O.k fair enough and here we go...There was a crime and father and son witnessed it so now they have to go under cover. TADAAAHHHHHHHHHH.
If Martin has any respect for his fans he will do another live stand up special and maybe film that.
So in summary, the jokes are lame and redundant, the music is ass and the dialogue was atrocious at best. This movie could have been written by any junkie off the street and for all I know it was. All involved should be ashamed of themselves. Good luck at the Razzies going for the sweep.

Rating 1/2 a fat suit left over from the Klumps