TUSK

Tusk. Starring Justin Long, The kid that sees dead people and Johnny Depp Directed by Kevin Smith. If you were wondering why I have taken 3 years off in writing my reviews, the answer is simple. There hasn't been anything worth writing about. I knew it would take something special to get me back in the saddle and after watching TUSK, I can now breathe life into my online reviews once more. Special is an understatement and not a good one. This movie is unique because after the thousands of movies I have seen before it, this one can now lay claim to the worst piece of shit I have ever seen in my life. Imagine a story so revolting yet captivating that you cant help but feel compelled to watch it unfold. One part MISERY by Stephen King and one part HUMAN CENTIPEDE by who ever the hell wrote that, TUSK is brought to us by modern day cult favourite Kevin Smith. The same Smith that has delighted audiences with his CLERKS series and raised eyebrows with DOGMA and even pulled the odd heart string with JERSEY GIRL. Wanting, I assume, to switch things up, he now tries his hand at horror. A bit of horror anyways. I mean horror can have the odd laugh but where TUSK tries for giggles it succeeds only in groans. It's a shame though because about 10 percent of this movie has all of the elements of a modern day classic and if you had read the story and used your own imagination instead of Smith's, then perhaps we would have something here. Without giving away more than the poster, we have a good base but some heinous characters. We have a great bad guy but the worst make-up effects this side of a student film. We have star power but laughable performances. In a nutshell, I think Smith got everything wrong. I don't know is he is getting lazy or maybe had to crank out a movie just to satisfy a looming contract obligation but there is gigantic piece of the pie missing here. Now to bitch about the cast. Justin Long (Jeepers Creepers) and Haley Joel Osment (The Sixth Sense)have made horror/suspense movies that did not suck. So why agree to this nonsense? It gets better haha, they also have Johnny Freaking Depp in this hot mess!! How many terrible Depp movies are there? Not a lot but this one sure doesn't add to his glowing resume. What is he doing here? You know what the sad part is, he is actually great in his role like usual but its a tremendously goofy role that grinds the suspense to a halt. The fault here is Smith's and if I had a time machine I wouldn't go back and save JFK, I would go back roughly one year and hide this script under Kevin Smiths treadmill. To further illustrate my point on how awful this junk was, I will now list some terrible movies that were better than TUSK. ZOMBEAVERS THE EXORCIST 2 THE GODFATHER PT 3 ANYTHING WITH DANE COOK I could go on but I think you get the point. And now a list of some more practical reasons to hate this movie. NO NUDITY UNLIKEABLE CAST AGAIN, NO NUDITY This movie has caused me to re-evaluate why I love the cinema so much but at the same time it sort of inspires me. I mean if this stinky pile can make it to an audience then maybe I too can make movies. I just need a passable premise, the odd big name and a budget of what looked like 10 grand in rubber suits and poutine. Now the hard part and believe me I take no joy in this but I have to urge you to see it. I want someone to commiserate with. I need a support group because I feel so all alone and shamed right now.

The Last Stand

Starring Ahnold, Chevrolet and a Jackass. Plot? Done before but here we go. Small town good guys vs big time bad guys. You ever see a 90 minute car commercial disguised as a movie? Well if you can get past that, then maybe give this one a go. Nothing original here but then again what HASN'T Arnold done? That aside, just check your brain at the door and enjoy this lil time killer that at least for the casual fan, has some cool cars and stunts and some entertaining violence. Oh and don't worry too much about Johnny Knoxville being in this as a costar as its more like a glorified cameo. But I will say this, he does have one of the best kills that I have seen in the last decade. You will know it when you see it :) So maybe skip the upcoming Conan and Terminator reboots and enjoy this bit of fluff instead. Oh but the sequel to Twins does sound kinda fun. Until then. Rating 2 1/2 flare guns out of 5

The Raid: Redemption

Starring Some Indonesian geniuses.
Wow and double wow! That's the only way to describe this movie. For the serious martial arts and shoot em up film buff, this movie is more than enough to hold you over for the next 10 years.
Our "story" (and there aint much of one) concerns a special forces unit on a raid in a building that is owned and operated by a crime lord. The building and opposing police are both heavily armed and the goal for the good guys is simple, take out the main bad guy hiding inside.
What sounds simple on paper soon turns complicated within the first few minutes as our heroes soon find themselves grossly outnumbered and with no back up.
O.k now on to the blood bath of literal jaw dropping fight sequences and ear popping shoot outs. I dont even know what was more impressive but would have to give the hand to hand sequences the edge as they were far more creative than anything I have seen in a long long time. Imagine Jackie Chan in his prime and now imagine he gets his ass handed to him. The level of expertise showcased here by the stars and stuntmen alike is unequaled in anything I have ever seen in film.
I cannot even stop there with how great it truly is, so heres another paragraph. This is better than Rambo and Crouching Tiger hidden Dragon if the two were to have a film baby. I mean that film baby would get beaten up by the Raid. This is so good that you dont even care about the fact that its in a different language. It transcends language.
Featuring actual martial arts champions and genuine fight scenes this one easily trumps anything that Hollywood has produced recently ie the entire Bourne series and anything else remotely offering fight scenes shot with a budget. The money here is virtually absent and yet we are left with some of the most crisp and mind bending choreography this side of a Michael Jackson video.
Now to cement my opinion on this one in grand and audacious fashion. The Raid is better than Die Hard and Enter The Dragon combined. I said it.
See it.

Rating 5 broken backs out of 5

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Safehouse

Starring Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds

At long last here it is! Here is a movie with a bevy of car chase scenes that dont seem formulaic or fake. Here is a movie where the hand to hand fight scenes are actually shown in great detail and not in some shaky close up and choppy fashion. And sometimes its the small things but finally we have a movie with decent make up! That's right I said make up. The sweat and blood and attention to detail in every characters visage is in a class of its own.
On a technical level, this movie is far superior to any of the Bourne movies and certainly holds its own against the last 5 Bond films as well. So refreshing is it to NOT be bored during a fist fight these days. And what a welcome turn to see stunt work with actual locations as opposed to manufactured sets.
Never mind the story really, there's a bad guy that has to brought in and there are some double crosses etc but because the acting and direction is so exceptional you really cant focus too much on plot.
Both leads are at the top of their game and deserve every accolade that comes their way as this Juggernaut tours the world.
With no hope for a sequel this may have to be one of those rare occasions for me where it warrants a second viewing in the theaters because and I will be honest with you, I was distracted once or twice by a douchebag in the cineplex with a glowing cellphone and I would totally pay to see this one again to catch the few glimpses I may have initially missed.
Seldom do I gush over action fare but what can I say? Go see this tomorrow or today based on whenever you are reading this and do yourself a favour and see it on the big screen and take advantage of the wonderful surround sound as that too is an achievement in this cant miss shoot em up.

Rating 4 1/2 double crosses out of 5

Chronicle

Finally a super hero movie without the hype and huge expectations and guess what? It works!
Our story begins with a teen living a rough life with a mother dying of cancer and an alcoholic father that blames him for everything. Add the super popular jock running for student council and the cool kid who happens to be cousins with the first guy. All caught up? Kay. So these three dudes stumble across something other worldly that passes along some very unique gifts to our three amigos and the fun begins.
As the old adage goes, with great power comes great responsibility. But what if you don't give a damn about responsibility? This is where the movie really kicks into high gear.
Without giving too much away I can say that you should try your best to imagine these things happening to you and how you may react differently.
The special effects are fairly decent, less some initial sloppy wire work and simple reverse filming techniques but when they want to impress, they really do.
The most common advice I like to give with flicks like this is to simply check your brain at the door and try to enjoy. That is made all the easier when you consider that there aren't any superstars in this one so it sort of seems easier to believe.

Rating 3 lifted skirts out of 5

Ride 'em Low

Mission Impossible 4

Starring Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg and some chick.

Poor Tommy needs a lil back up these days in his "Blockbusters". So along for the ride is the new "it" guy Jeremy Renner and funnyman Simon Pegg in this latest Impossible outing. The humour helps as we have pretty much seen it all with this franchise and this latest offering is much of the same ol thing but with a different cast and prettier scenery.
One of the things I actually enjoyed here were the scenes where everything was completely silent and there was very little going on but the actions were tense and engaging. Specifically one scene involving Cruise and Pegg having to sneak down a hallway guarded by one lone guard. Sounds simple enough but it was more entertaining than the car chases and sand storms combined.
Now onto the stuff that irked me. The whole basis of "Ghost Protocol" and the notion that the government doesnt know what these agents are up to. Isnt that basically the gist of every single spy movie? I mean these guys cant exactly use their own passports and get coffees and pay with their own credit cards. Geez, none of them "exist" according to anyone, EVER.
Another dislike was the lack of chemistry with the chick this time around. She didnt even have to be there. Her side story was boring as all hell and tied nothing together at all.
My biggest fail though would have to be the hokiest gimmick straight up ripping off the now infamous Cruise hanging from wires in the ultra sensitive room scene from the first flick. That would be Jeremy Renner wearing a magnetic suit and having to basically float in the same pose while doing lord knows what in some sort of boiler room. It was painful to watch and wholly improbable. I know its all far fetched but there are sooo many scenes in this one that simply border on ridiculous, it's hard to take seriously let alone enjoy.
For what this is, it's actually fairly good. But its still kinda bad.

Rating 3 location changes out of 5

A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas 3D

Staring Harold Cho and Kal Penn and of course NPH

It's been several years since their last adventure and the two stoner best buds have become estranged and each have a new best friend that the other cant stand. Well it sounds o.k on paper I guess. It's really not though.
This movie is a hot mess of atrocious 3D and lame weed jokes.I could be to blame here for watching this debacle while sober but what can I say, it was a Monday afternoon.
The jokes are flat and redundant and not even the mighty Neil Patrick Harris could help buoy they sagging storyline. Sure there are plenty of big fake boobs and some creative insults and of course the mandatory crude humour we have grown accustomed to but it all just seems like a rehash and a sloppy one at that.
If there are any redeeming qualities in this entry it would have to be the supporting cast including Rza and Tom Lennon and an all too brief appearance by Patton Oswalt.
Special mention again goes to how utterly shitty the supposed 3D effects were. What's with this crap? Of the dozens of movies to feature this nonsense this year, not one has blown my mind with visuals. Let's just cut this lame money grab out for once and for all.
At one point in this train wreck NPH alludes to a 4th movie and if sagging ticket sales are any indication then hopefully we can avoid that. All in all if you haven't guessed, this sucked.

Rating 1 coked out baby out of 5